Finding Me
by Rebecca Parker
Summary: Buffy and Xander go on a quest to find Riley.
1. Default Chapter

TITLE 

TITLE: Finding Me (1/?)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: LaVelleBelle@aol.com   
RATING: PG-13   
SPOILERS: This is set after the end of Season 5. There are no spoilers- just the speculation that Glory will die and Dawn will still be around.   
FEEDBACK: Yes please! I'm quite proud of this story and would love a little affirmation!   
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own all.   
DISTRIBUTION: At my site (http://www.ourowndestiny.com) and FINNatics. All others, please ask.   
DEDICATION: To Jen and Kate, those Evil Wenches, for making me want to write something *better*.   
NOTE: This is more of a prologue than a first part; setting up the actual story. Also, the title is a song by Vertical Horizon.   
  
  
The lights were out in Buffy's room, and Dawn wasn't even sure her sister was still inside. She pressed her ear against the door; listening for some sign that the slayer hadn't gone out on some unannounced patrol, but she could hear a shallow breathing coming from the room.   
  
"Buffy?" she asked, pressing the door so it swung inward. She could hardly see anything in the darkness, but she heard her sister move on the bed.   
  
"Dawn?" Buffy said, rubbing her eyes. "Is everything OK?"   
  
"Yeah," Dawn answered, moving over to the bed. "I just wanted to see if you were doing alright. I know that fight with Glory took a lot out of you."   
  
Buffy nodded, quickly maneuvering to turn on the lamp by her bedside. She winced as the light infiltrated her eyes, closing them quickly and waiting for them to adjust. "Yeah," she said, her voice cracking. "I'm just kinda sore all over."   
  
Dawn sat down on the side of the bed and brushed a hair away from her sister's forehead. "Can you believe it's all over? I mean, a part of me didn't think it ever would be."   
  
"I know," Buffy said, her eyes opening and watching her sister look down on her. "It was intense, but we saved the world," she said, quickly adding, "again."   
  
"Just another day at work," Dawn said, smiling as she looked down. She stopped, seemingly mulling over her thoughts before speaking them. She hesitated, and Buffy sat up.   
  
"Dawn, what is it?" Buffy asked, reaching out and taking her hand.   
  
"I guess," Dawn started, unsure of herself. "I guess another part of me thought that when everything was done that I wouldn't be here, you know? That I'd just poof and be this key thing again."   
  
"I know," Buffy said, "I was worried about that too but Giles performed his Giles-y magic and found us a way to keep you, something I will always love him for," she said, smiling. "I mean, you may be a big pain in my butt, but I'm kinda used to you now." Buffy grinned, watching her sister feign annoyance.   
  
Dawn couldn't help it and began to laugh. "Yeah well, I wouldn't want you all alone in the house. You'd probably turn it into base camp or something," she said, stopping suddenly. "What are we going to do now?" she asked, her voice low. "I mean, Dad wants me back."   
  
Buffy sighed. "I know Dawn," she said, moving from the bed and walking towards the closet. "I mean, I got us a little stay until we dealt with the whole Glory thing, but I really don't think there's a way out of it. He has a legal right to you Dawnie," she said, slipping on her bathrobe and facing her sister, whose expression was crestfallen. "It's only for the summer," Buffy added.   
  
"Yeah, Dad only wants me in small doses," Dawn said sarcastically.   
  
"Well at least he wants you at all," Buffy said, the hurt in her voice evident. "I mean, he didn't even ask to see me. You think your ex-wife dies, you realize life is short, maybe want to see your daughter," she said, looking away.   
  
"Well, I'll gladly trade places with you. You go to Dad for the summer and I'll hang out with Xander and Willow, OK?" Dawn offered, grinning.   
  
"Uh, no," Buffy said, laughing. "When you put it that way-"   
  
Dawn got up off the bed and walked over to the window, peering outside. "He's out there, you know."   
  
"Ugh, again?" Buffy asked, walking over to stand next to her window. There, below in all his smoking glory, was Spike. "God, he saves my life and all of the sudden he thinks we're supposed to be best buds," she said, opening the window.   
  
"Spike," she called out, trying to be loud enough that he would hear her, but quiet enough so the next door neighbors would not.   
  
Spike flicked his cigarette, the butt landing near the front steps. He looked up at her, a grin of adoration and annoyance greeting her. "What do you want? Can't a bloke smoke in peace?"   
  
"Yes, he can," Buffy said. "At home in their crypts far far away from my house."   
  
"Bloody free world," Spike said, digging in his pockets until he found another cigarette. "Besides, I'm just watching over you and the niblet case any nasties make their way over."   
  
"Spike, go home. I can handle myself, and if you don't leave in five minutes, I'm going to handle you and I'm pretty sure it's not the kind you're hoping for," Buffy said, her voice dripping with venom.   
  
"Ya know Slayer," Spike said, taking a long drag, "I'm starting to think you don't want me around."   
  
Buffy sighed, shutting the window, her eyes locked on his and delighting in the disappointment she saw there. She turned, looking at Dawn. "God, I am so sick of him. Everywhere I turn, he's there."   
  
"Kind of like me and my shadow, huh?"   
  
"Yes, like me and my very annoying, chain smoking, cursing shadow."   
  
"I can't believe I thought he was cool. I'm starting to think the Summers women are just destined to make bad choices when it comes to men," Dawn offered, crossing her arms.   
  
Buffy smiled awkwardly. It was a thought she herself had had many a night. "We're not cursed. We just need to learn from our mistakes."   
  
"Well, I know to never fall for any chipped vampires again," Dawn said, flopping down on the bed and looking up for her sister. "How about you?"   
  
Buffy sighed, sitting down beside her sister and holding her hands in front of her. "I know to not take things for granted," she began. "And I know to fix things before they get too unfixable."   
  
"Like Riley?"   
  
"Definitely like Riley," Buffy said, looking at her sister. "I miss him."   
  
"I know you do," Dawn said. "He'll come back."   
  
"I'm not so sure," she said, shrugging. "Life doesn't always come with a happy ending tacked onto it."   
  
"Well, considering I'm going to be spending the summer with Dad and his secretary, I'm going to have to agree with you," Dawn said, frowning.   
  
"It could be fun," Buffy said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "Xander and I will drive you up to LA and then you know Dad will spoil you rotten like he *always* does." She stopped. "I mean-"   
  
"I know," Dawn said, shifting uncomfortably. The subject of their memories and the reality of them was still a sore point for both of them. "It'll be fun, I guess. And Dad said Melinda can come stay over for a weekend, so that should be cool."   
  
"See? Doesn't sound so bad," Buffy said, smiling. "Listen, start packing and I'll take you to the Bronze tonight, OK?"   
  
"You're kidding. I thought that was a birthdays only deal," Dawn said, excited.   
  
"I think you earned it," Buffy said, getting up and opening her closet, surveying her clothes. "Besides, it's not like I'm allowing you to booze it up. We'll just hang out and dance a little."   
  
"Can I dance with Xander?" Dawn asked excitedly.   
  
Buffy stifled a laugh as she selected a black skirt from the closet. "I'm sure Xander is up for a little Dawn-boogie-age."   
  
"That sounds so wrong," Dawn said, laughing. "But cool. Thanks."   
  
"Sure," Buffy said, smiling as she pulled her sister into a hug. "I'll miss you. I mean, who will I have to annoy me to no end?"   
  
"I'm pretty sure a certain vampire will pick up the slack," Dawn said, laughing. "Just promise not to stake him until I return. Unless you can catch it on video- vampires photograph, right?"   
  
"Yep," Buffy said, grinning. "But something about him," she said, sighing. "It just seems wrong to kill something so pathetic."   
  
"Just let him hear you say that," Dawn said, "that'd be worse than killing him."   
  
"Yep, and much more fun!" Buffy picked out a blue top and laid it next to the skirt on the bed.   
  
"Nice choice," Dawn said, looking down at the outfit.   
  
"Thanks," Buffy said, nodding. She felt too tired to dance, but Dawn needed to have some fun before leaving and Buffy still believed in her motto: "We saved the world. I say we party."   
  
"I'm going to go get ready," Dawn said, walking to the door. "When are we going?" she asked at the door.   
  
"About 8?"   
  
"Cool," Dawn said, smiling. "It's gonna be a blast!"   
  
Buffy smirked as Dawn walked out the door. This night at the Bronze sounded like something that both of them needed- a brief respite from the "Big Bads" of the world to just relax and have a little fun.   
  
As Buffy started to undress, she closed her eyes and tried to block out all the worries which consumed her every quiet moment and tried to convince herself to let it go for only this one night.   
  
To Be Continued...   



	2. Part 2

TITLE 

TITLE: Finding Me (2/?)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: LaVelleBelle@aol.com   
RATING: PG   
FEEDBACK: Yes please! I can't stress the PLEASE enough!   
SPOILERS: This is set after Season 5, but there are no spoilers except for the *speculation* that Glory will lose and Dawn will still be around.   
DISTRIBUTION: At my site (http://www.ourowndestiny.com), FINNatics and The Hellmouth Chronicles. All others, please ask first.   
DEDICATION: To Moe, my sole feedbacker for the first part. Thank you so much!   
NOTE: The title is a song by Vertical Horizon.   
  
  
"Dawn, we are *not* listening to the new Britney OR the new Christina," Buffy said, sighing as she lay her arm on the edge of the window which had been rolled down hours ago due to the lack of air conditioning in Xander's car.   
  
Dawn crossed her arms, sitting back against her seat as she rolled her eyes. "OK, then let's just listen to another hour of whiny women," she said sarcastically.   
  
"Sarah McLachlan is not whiny," Xander said, looking at Dawn in the rearview mirror. "She's tender and good for the loving," he said, smirking. A quick look from Buffy made the smirk disappear. "I mean, good for the loving...group of friends I have gathered in my car."   
  
"Nice save," Buffy said, laughing softly. She reached into the glove compartment and pulled out the book of CD's. "How about a compromise? No Sarah or Britney, but instead," she said, removing a CD, "a little Matchbox 20."   
  
"Fine with me," Dawn said, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. She grabbed her magazine and started flipping through the pages as the sounds of "Bent" filled the car. She smiled, remembering the night before and how they had all danced at the Bronze to this very song. She had never really realized how bad of a dancer Xander was before.   
  
"Looks like the Dawnster approves of the music choice," Xander said, looking at her again. "She's all smiles. Or maybe she's just had too much candy."   
  
Dawn rolled her eyes at Xander and flipped the page, reading the latest gossip about Tara Reid and Carson Daly. An hour later and she was on the last article, mulling over fashion do's and don'ts and dreading the last few turns Xander was making. They were almost there.   
  
"Buffy..."   
  
"I'm sorry Dawnie," Buffy said, turning around in her seat. "But yes, you have to."   
  
Dawn frowned, shutting the magazine and folding her arms. "Fine," she said, her voice angry. "But I'm going to make him sweat."   
  
"I wouldn't expect any less," Buffy said, smiling as Xander pulled up in front of her father's house.   
  
He turned off the engine and the three of them sat there in silence for another five minutes; none of them wanting to get out of the car and face the man who none of them had any respect for.   
  
Finally, Buffy opened her car door and slipped out, pulling the seat forward so Dawn could follow. "Come on," she said, sighing. "It won't be so bad."   
  
"So you say," she said, getting out after her sister and grabbing her bookbag. She slipped the straps over her shoulder and watched as Xander got out and grabbed her suitcase. "You'll call me every day?"   
  
"Every day, Dawn?" Buffy said, smirking. "Really, even *my* life isn't so interesting as to have something new to say every day." She reached out to touch her sister's shoulder and pulled her into a firm hug. "We'll rotate. I'll take Monday, Xander Tuesday, Willow Wednesday and so on and so on. OK?"   
  
Dawn nodded. "Sounds good to me. Maybe even Spike can call?" she asked, looking up at her sister shyly.   
  
Buffy quirked an eyebrow at Dawn. "Spike? Dawn, didn't we just make a sisterly pact to not have things for chipped vampires last night?"   
  
"Yeah, but," Dawn said, shrugging. "He makes me laugh."   
  
"Don't I make you laugh, Dawnster?" Xander asked, punching her lightly on the shoulder. "Don't tell me I've been laid off from my court jester position at Dawn Dawn & Dawn Company." He smiled nervously at her and Buffy had to stifle a laugh. Only Xander could be upset that their 14-year-old sister was getting over her crush on him.   
  
"Oh," Dawn said, smiling shyly. "Sure you do," she said, walking over to him and leaning her head against his arm. "You're still my number one funny guy."   
  
"Good," Xander said, putting his arm around Dawn's shoulders. "We're gonna miss you in Sunny D, Dawnster. Place just won't be the same without you."   
  
Dawn blushed, looking down at her shoes. "Well, I'll miss you too."   
  
Buffy smiled. "Wow. This is a touching moment. A little creepy, but touching nonetheless," she said, laughing as she watched Xander automatically remove his arm from Dawn and Dawn automatically shoot her an evil look.   
  
"Right," Xander said, grinning at Buffy. "So, we're off to see the Wizard?"   
  
"The Wonderful Wizard of Deadbeat Dads," Buffy finished sarcastically. She took a deep breath and then nodded. "Yeah." She reached out for Dawn's hand and looked at her sister. "We can do it."   
  
Dawn nodded sullenly, and together, the three of them walked towards the house.   
  
+++++++   
  
An hour later, Buffy and Xander were mulling over the menus at a nearby diner- Buffy torn between a cheeseburger or soup, Xander torn between a burrito or grilled cheese. They had sat in relative silence for several minutes, neither knowing what to say, or worse, what to do.   
  
The last few months had been all about Dawn and protecting her, and now, the danger was past and no one knew what came next. Returning to Sunnydale was the obvious option, but Buffy was hoping to at least spend a few days in Los Angeles before she and Xander returned.   
  
She just needed some time away. Sunnydale reminded her of everything she had lost in the last year- her mother, Riley, and now she would return and face a summer without the only family she had left- Dawn.   
  
The waitress came and took their orders, and faced with the prospect of having their menus taken away and nothing left to stare at blankly, Xander and Buffy looked at each other and smiled awkwardly. "So," Buffy said, picking up her straw and fiddling with it. "Would you mind if we stayed for the weekend? I mean, I know I only vaguely mentioned it once, but I just thought it would be nice- you know, to get away for a little while."   
  
"Yeah," Xander said, nodding. "It's been kind of a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world back in Sunnydale lately."   
  
"Mad," Buffy echoed. "I just don't know if I can handle going back there right now. Everything that's happened in the last year- Mom being sick, Riley leaving, Mom dying, Glory nearly killing us all- this is the first chance I've really had to stop and think about it and I'm kinda feeling-"   
  
"Freaked?"   
  
Buffy nodded. "To say the least. It's just one big bad memory after another. Oh- here's the park where I didn't run fast enough to catch Riley. Oh, and here's the ruins of the building where Glory first royally kicked my ass. Not to mention that every time I patrol I relive the funeral. I don't exactly want to be staking vampires on top of my mom's grave." She sighed, holding her forehead and looking down at the table. "I just need some time away right now."   
  
"I'm with ya Buffy," Xander said, nodding. "We can get a hotel room and just hang out for the weekend."   
  
"Maybe see old friends," Buffy said, taking a sip of her soda and looking away from Xander.   
  
"Old friends as in..." Xander said, leading Buffy to the answer he was sure was coming.   
  
"You know, Cordelia, Wesley..."   
  
"Angel?" Xander finished, nodding. "Come on Buffy, you don't have to be ashamed. It's been a while since I've seen Dead Boy anyway. I've been working on some really good sarcastic remarks that I really think will hit the mark."   
  
Buffy laughed. "You're not going to freak? I mean, Angel and I even just being in the same room has always been something of a touchy subject with you."   
  
"Buffy," Xander said, reaching his hand out to hers and holding it. "I trust you completely."   
  
"Thank you," Buffy said, her cheeks feeling a little flushed. No matter how close she and Xander had been, she never felt like he did trust her when it came to Angel- not that she blamed him. Her mistakes, as always, caused everyone heartache.   
  
"No thanks necessary," Xander said as the waitress placed their meals in front of them. "In fact, instead of thanks, I'll take," he said, reaching over and grabbing food from her plate, "french fries."   
  
"Seems like a fair compromise," Buffy said, laughing as she began to eat. After a few bites, she placed her burger down and looked at Xander again. "So the last time I talked to Angel, he told me they had their offices at this hotel- the Hyperion. I thought that we could stop by there tonight. Maybe they have a room or two?"   
  
"Free hotel accommodations?" Xander said, grinning. "My wallet says 'Yes Please!'"   
  
"Well, I mean, we'll have to ask first. Angel may just make you grovel," Buffy said, giggling.   
  
"Uh, well, in that case my wallet may say 'YES' but my dignity says 'Hell no!'," Xander said, picking up his grilled cheese sandwich and taking a bite out of it. "But since my wallet is right here with me and I lost my dignity sometime back in high school, I guess I'm up for some groveling."   
  
"I doubt he'll actually make you..."   
  
+++++   
  
"Say please Xander," Angel said, grinning as he stood in the doorway of the hotel, looking down at the young man in front of him. "It's only polite since you're asking to stay here."   
  
Xander rolled his eyes and shot Buffy a look.   
  
Buffy patted his arm reassuringly while trying not to burst out laughing.   
  
"Please," Xander said, gritting his teeth.   
  
"Angel, let the poor guy in," Cordelia said, smiling as she moved past Angel. "Xander Harris," she said, looking him up and down. "You really need to cut your hair," she said finally.   
  
"Why? I see you cut yours for me," he said, walking into the lobby and looking her over. "A new look for you, Cor. Nice. I approve."   
  
"Oh, I was so frightened you wouldn't," Cordelia said sarcastically, tipping her head to the smile and giving him that familiar grin of hers. "Good to see you again."   
  
Xander nodded, stepping close and hugging his ex. "Been way too long."   
  
"Way," she agreed. "When Harmony the vampire makes her way out here before you, we know we have problems."   
  
"Sorry about that," Xander said, nodding as he stepped back and looked at Buffy, who was watching them with an amused expression on her face. "Lot going on back home."   
  
Buffy nodded. "Cordelia, you look great. I love the hair."   
  
"Thanks," she said, running her fingers through it.   
  
The four of them stood there in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before Angel spoke. "So, not that we're not happy to have you here, but what's going on? Is everything OK?"   
  
Buffy nodded. "Yep. Xander and I are just taking a vacation from reality for a weekend. I had to drop Dawn off at Dad's and I thought maybe we could crash here."   
  
"Sure," Angel said, nodding. "We have one or two rooms that aren't entirely composed of dust." He stopped. "I think."   
  
Cordelia nodded. "Well, we didn't until I did some spring cleaning a few months ago. But now we have two rooms up and running. That is, if you don't mind an orange carpet and green walls."   
  
Xander laughed. "So um..about these rooms of dust?"   
  
Buffy grinned, smacking Xander's arm. "That sounds great. We're not imposing?"   
  
"Nope," Cordelia said, moving over to the couch and flopping down on it. "We were just going to go out for the night, try to sniff out a new case. You're welcome to come. Just leave your eardrums at the door," she said, grinning.   
  
"Our eardrums? Huh?" Buffy asked, looking around. "Where are we going?"   
  
Angel caught Cordelia's glance and smiled. He turned to Buffy and laughed. "How do you feel about karaoke?"   
  
To Be Continued...   



	3. Part 3

TITLE 

TITLE: Finding Me (3/?)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: LaVelleBelle@aol.com   
RATING: PG   
PAIRING: B/R   
SUMMARY: Buffy and Xander are in LA visiting Cordelia and Angel.   
FEEDBACK: Yes please!   
DISTRIBUTION: At my site (http://www.ourowndestiny.com) as well as FINNatics and The Hellmouth Chronicles. All others, please ask first.   
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.   
DEDICATION: To Emmy, a writer who I truly admire.   
NOTE: The song contained herein is called "True North" by Fisher.   
  
  
  
Buffy leaned her arm out of the window of Angel's car; still unable to believe the vampire drove a convertible, of all things.   
  
He never ceased to amuse her.   
  
She looked over at him, his right hand gripping the wheel, his eyes cast firmly at the road ahead of him. He had changed so much since coming to Los Angeles. Gone was the youthfulness he used to posses, a thing of irony for sure. 242 years old or not, with her he always seemed to be young somehow. Maybe it was in the softness of their kisses, or the carefully nervous way he used to rest his hand on her knee when they were together. Somehow, he had just seemed young to her.   
  
But now- he seemed old; like a man crossing his 20's to his 30's and realizing that more than just doing his job, he needed to take pride in it.   
  
She smiled at him and, whether he could see her out of the corner of his eye or if they still had that sense where they could feel each other, he turned to her and smiled back.   
  
"What?" he asked.   
  
"I was just thinking of how different you seem," Buffy said. "Things are good out here?"   
  
Angel thought for a moment, unsure of how exactly to answer. He wasn't sure if he should tell her about the dark path that he had taken in the past year. Would she be glad that he had made it through it, or scared that he had needed to? Of all people, he wanted to hide it the most from Buffy.   
  
He turned his eyes back to the road and, glancing in the rear view mirror, he said, "It is now."   
  
Cordelia smiled back at him reassuringly.   
  
Buffy nodded, aware that there was more to the story, but not wanting to push it. They were just friends now- he didn't owe her any explanations.   
  
"So Angel," Xander said from the backseat. "Have you sang at this place?"   
  
"Has he ever!" Cordelia answered, laughing. "There was a petition going around to have him banned, but the Host ignored it."   
  
"The Host?" Buffy asked, turning back to Cordelia.   
  
"Yeah- green, horny demon who runs the place," she answered. "Big friend of Angel's."   
  
"So he's good? I mean, he's a good demon?" Buffy asked. "The no-kill variety?"   
  
"Yeah," Angel answered. "Look, Buffy. All the demons tonight are of the no-kill variety."   
  
"They're all good?"   
  
"No. Most aren't," he said, shrugging. "But we're not going there to slay. We're going there to find out some information."   
  
"But it's safe, right?" Xander asked from the backseat. "There's a mutual respect- no slaying, no eating?"   
  
"Most of the time," Cordelia said. "Don't worry Xander, if someone tries to eat you, I promise I'll laugh no more than 10 seconds before trying to help you."   
  
"Children behave," Buffy laughed from the frontseat. She turned to Angel and smiled. "Now I can see why you don't invite us to visit much."   
  
"You should see her with Wesley," Angel said, grinning. "They're almost worse."   
  
"Stop. You're scaring me," Buffy said, laughing.   
  
Cordelia scoffed. "I can hear you, you know?"   
  
"Are we there yet?" Xander asked.   
  
"Oh my God," Buffy said, giggling. "This is hell. I'm in hell."   
  
"This is worse then hell. And I've been there," Angel said, smirking as he pulled up in front of Caritas.   
  
"So have I, and I'm not too sure," Buffy said, smiling. She turned around in her seat and playfully smacked Xander in the head. "We're here."   
  
++++++   
  
  
As Buffy walked into the karaoke bar, she was sure she had dreamt of this place before. At the time, she hadn't considered that perhaps it had been a prophetic dream; the many species of demon huddled around their candle-lit tables and sipping their martinis while listening to a Fyoral demon belt out "Memories" had seemed like one of those dreams you had after you ate something spicy, and nothing more.   
  
She walked past the first few tables, unable to suppress a smile at this place. Despite the fact that half the demons in the place could snap a human in two with one hand (if they had one at all) behind their back, it all seemed funny to her. She didn't think she'd ever be able to slay a demon again without hearing cheesy 70's love songs in the back of her head.   
  
Xander was just as amused and actually let out a chuckle as he walked next to her. "Are you seeing this?" he asked her. "Or did I inadvertently take a drop of acid sometime today?"   
  
"No," Buffy said, smiling at her friend. "This is very much happening. Gives new meaning to the term 'evil,' doesn't it?"   
  
"I'd answer you, except I think my ears are bleeding," Xander said, smiling. "This place is seriously unreal, Buff. I feel like taking a picture because no one will ever believe us."   
  
"Photographs are strictly forboden," The Host said, walking up to Xander and draping his arm across the boy's shoulders. "The demons get all shy. They're not quite photogenic."   
  
"Uh," Xander said, looking at Buffy nervously. "Demon."   
  
"Ooh, this one's bright," The Host said, taking his arm off Xander and extending his hand to Buffy. "Buffy Anne Summers," he said. "Heard a lot about you, tho the demons 'round this place make you out to be something more of a Xena meets Pamela Anderson type."   
  
"Ok, tell me which ones so I can kill them now," Buffy said, smiling. "That's - I'm not quite sure if I should take that as a compliment or start waving my feminism flag."   
  
"So you're the Host?" Xander asked, looking the demon over.   
  
"Point 2 to the carpenter," The Host said, grinning. "If you did this well on the tests in high school, things may have wound up differently for you."   
  
"Thanks. Hey, and if the job as karaoke host doesn't pan out, there's always the guidance counselor gig," Xander remarked sarcastically.   
  
"Ouch," The Host said, grinning. "The wit on this one! So," he said, looking around the place. "Where's the tall dark and broody one?"   
  
"Angel? He's parking the car," Xander answered. "Cordy's here too somewhere. I think her beacon spotted someone in the industry and she was honing in on the signal."   
  
"So," The Host said, looking at Buffy and Xander. "Which one of you two will be working the pipes tonight?"   
  
"Plumbing?" Xander asked, his eyebrow raised in question.   
  
"I think he means singing, Xander," Buffy said, smiling. "And I don't think either of us are, actually. We're just in for the weekend and tagging along with Angel and Cordelia."   
  
"No, I think you're here for more," The Host said, looking her over. "I think you need guidance. See Xander here, he's on the right path with Anyanka. But you," he said, looking at Buffy, "you're on the road less traveled and it's making *all* the difference- just not in a good way."   
  
Buffy wasn't sure what to say and found herself standing, very awkwardly, in silence for a few moments. When Angel came and stood next to her, she felt relieved that the conversation would most likely shift to focus on him.   
  
"Angel," the Host said, smiling. "Find a good parking spot?"   
  
"No," Angel said, frowning. "Do you guys validate?"   
  
"Of course," The Host said, grabbing a glass of alcohol from the waiter that passed by him. "See Enrico at the bar and tell him I sent you. But don't go yet- we're in for quite a musical treat tonight."   
  
Angel sighed, his shoulders sagging dejectedly. "Ok, but for tonight I thought I'd go with something slow-"   
  
"No sweetums," The Host said, taking a swig of his drink. "You don't have to sing for your supper tonight."   
  
"Oh thank God," Cordelia said, walking up to the group, her arms crossed. "I just had a guy tell me I can get a national audition if, and only if, Angel promises not to sing for at least a month."   
  
"Wow," Xander said, grinning at Angel. "You must be really bad."   
  
"Shut up Xander," Angel muttered. "You know, I never *claimed* to be good..."   
  
"How could you? I have a family of screecher demons who do better justice to Paul Anka than you," The Host said, chuckling. "But like I said, you get a reprieve tonight. Buffy's treating us to a song."   
  
"Excuse me?" Buffy asked, finally able to speak again. "Um, I hope there's someone else named Buffy here tonight, because I'm not singing."   
  
"Hon," the Host said, moving next to her and taking her hand. "Trust me. You want to hear what I have to say and I need to hear what you have to sing in order for me to tell you."   
  
"I don't know..." Buffy said, sighing.   
  
"Oh go for it Buffy!" Cordelia said, lightly punching the girl on the shoulder. "It's like a tarot reading but free and, well- real."   
  
"I really have to sing? I can't just hum for a few seconds or something?"   
  
"You gotta sing hon," the Host said, placing the empty glass on a passing waiter's tray. "The whole on the stage, microphone, squinting to read the words deal. The whole kit and kiboodle, darling. Got a song in mind?"   
  
Buffy sighed, looking to Angel who smiled at her reassuringly. "Not really. I wouldn't know which to do."   
  
"Just sing one from the heart," the Host suggested. "We have the widest selection of songs in LA."   
  
"Oh yeah, I think I saw a write up on that in the LA Times," Xander said, smiling.   
  
"I like this one," the Host said. "I think we're gonna get along great. But back to you toots," the Host said, smiling at Buffy. "Come up with a song yet?"   
  
"I think so," Buffy said, looking down at the book. "From the heart, right?"   
  
"From the heart."   
  
+++++   
  
"So is this going to be hard for me to hear?" Angel asked, looking to the Host who was sitting next to him. He stared up at the stage where Buffy was nervously waiting for the song to begin.   
  
"Probably," the Host said, his fingers playing with the small umbrella that was stuck into his marguerita. "You can wait out in that hot little car of yours if you want. This won't take long."   
  
"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss her singing for anything."   
  
*****   
  
Buffy stood on the stage, looking down at the group of demons and friends in the crowd and she wanted nothing more than to just walk off the stage and forget all of this craziness. Cordelia had explained to her that the Host was anagogic and could read people's pasts, presents and futures, but, despite hearing what the Host had to say about Xander and how on target it was, she was still a bit dubious.   
  
It was ironic, really. She believed in vampires and demons and every sort of monster you could imagine, but she was having trouble believing that this demon could know the path she was supposed to take when she hadn't been able to figure it out herself.   
  
The music started and Buffy took a deep breath, reading the words on the screen and dreading the moment when they lit up and she would have to sing. Finally, the words turned red, and she began.   
  
~*~ If this ever gets to you,   
will you know it's from me?   
Or would you think it was a joke,   
throw it back to the sea   
  
Or, do you, do you know   
everything I'm feeling?   
Do you know   
no one could love you more,   
My true north ~*~   
  
The Host turned to Angel, looking at the vampire watch her. "How you doing big guy?"   
  
Angel turned to the Host and grinned painfully. "It's hard."   
  
"Knowing she's not singing about you?" he asked, watching as Angel crushed a straw in his hand. "Buck up cowboy. She still has you in her heart. It's just singing for him right now."   
  
****   
  
Buffy took a deep breath between lines and looked down at the group before her. Angel and The Host were chatting and Buffy briefly wondered if he should instead be paying attention to her. Cordelia and Xander were laughing about something- hopefully not her singing. The last time she had sung in public was back in her 7th grade talent pageant and she had taken second place. She knew she wasn't *bad* but she wasn't sure if she was exactly *good*.   
  
The words lit up again and she continued....   
  
~*~ If this ever gets to you,   
will you please forgive me?   
I was the one who let you down   
It's too late for "sorry" ~*~   
  
But do you, do you know   
everything I'm feeling?   
Do you know   
No one could love you more,   
My true north ~*~   
  
Buffy stopped for a moment; she was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed by the song. She had heard it one night on the radio in the training room at the Magic Box and had started to cry by the second verse. The words struck too close to home, and Buffy was wondering if perhaps she had a streak of masochism in her to be singing this song on stage in front of not only her friends and a room full of demons, but Angel as well.   
  
~*~ If I told you then-   
I'd made it clear   
Would you still be here?   
  
If this ever gets to you   
Will you still remember me?   
  
And do you, do you know   
Everything I'm feeling   
Do you know   
No one could love you more   
My true north ~*~   
  
As she sang the last note, she had to struggle to fight back the tears that so often overcame her when listening to this song.   
  
"Thank you," she mumbled almost incoherently before placing the microphone back down on the table to the right of her. She walked off the stage, waiting at the edge to take a deep breath before she approached the table.   
  
"So," Buffy said, slipping into the seat next to Xander. "Did I assault everyone's ears enough for one evening?"   
  
"Buffy," Cordelia said, turning to her friend. "That was amazing. And you know if I thought it was bad, I'd be the first to jump all over you with snarky comments," she said, grinning. "How come you never told us you could sing before?"   
  
Buffy shrugged. "Topic never came up. But thanks," she said, tucking her hair nervously behind her ear and staring at the Host and, next to him, Angel. "So can we get down to business or should I wait for the recording contracts to come pouring in?" she asked, forcing a smile onto her face.   
  
"The lady's all work, no play," the Host said, taking another sip of his cocktail. "Ok. How about everyone leaves us be for a little tete-a-tete?"   
  
"Yeah," Angel said, standing up. "Come on guys. Let's give them a little privacy."   
  
"Angel," Buffy said, standing up quickly and staring at the vampire, unable to form words.   
  
"I know Buffy," he said, understanding. "It's alright. I know."   
  
Buffy nodded, sitting back down. "Thank you," she said, watching the group walk away and feeling very open and vulnerable with the Host in front of her. "So," she said. "Tell me my fortune."   
  
"It's not so easy toots," The Host said, sliding a drink over to Buffy. "Have a drink."   
  
"I don't usually..."   
  
"Well, this isn't usually," the Host said, nodding as she took it from him. "Good girl. Now, let me tell you what I need to and then I think you have places to go. Promises to keep, miles to go before you sleep and all that jazz."   
  
Buffy's eyes grew wide at the reference.   
  
"Yeah, I know. That was part of your dream. It means something, you know? Your dreams usually do. Do you remember the dream you told Angel about the day before your 17th birthday?"   
  
"I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas," Buffy said, smiling. "You can't possibly tell me that means something."   
  
"What does Giles do now?"   
  
"He runs the Magic Box," Buffy said. "Not an office supply warehouse."   
  
"Yeah, well wouldn't you consider half the stuff they sell there office supplies for your vocation?" the Host asked, raising his eyebrow.   
  
"I guess," Buffy said, shifting in her seat. "But the Vegas part?"   
  
"It's a gamble - that place. Way I hear it lion tamers have a higher life expectancy."   
  
"You're so reaching," Buffy said, laughing. "But how- how did you know about that dream?"   
  
"Hon, I pretty much know everything. Like your dream last night? Tsk tsk Buffy. Chocolate syrup, whipped cream and Jude Law? Naughty naughty!"   
  
"Please tell me *that* dream meant something," Buffy said, grinning.   
  
"Not quite. Just your subconscious trying to remind you of all the things you're missing. Dessert and men," the Host said, snapping his fingers. "I can take care of one of those right now," he said, and an instant later a handsome waiter was at their table.   
  
"Uh," Buffy said, "I'm not really looking to date right now," she said, blushing. "Not that you're not cute or anything," she told the waiter nervously.   
  
The Host laughed. "Enrico, pay her no mind. How about you bring us over a nice chocolate brownie a la mode?"   
  
"Si," Enrico said, winking at Buffy as he walked away.   
  
"Oh my God," Buffy said, hiding her face behind her hands. "Please tell me that did not just happen."   
  
"Oh it did," the Host said, laughing. "So now we've got the dessert issue under control and now it's just the pesky little man issue. Riley, I believe his name is?"   
  
Buffy held in her breath; the very mention of his name had the ability to suck all of the air out of her lungs. "Yeah," she said, nodding. "I loved him, but he left and I don't think he ever knew it."   
  
"He didn't," the Host said, all signs of kidding gone from his green face now. "He went through a lot, that guy. Still going through it. Sometimes a guy needs to find his way back to where he belongs."   
  
"And where's that?"   
  
"With you, sweet pea. He belongs with you."   
  
Buffy took another deep breath and when she let it out, a smile had settled on her face. "So he'll come back to me, right? Because that's where he's supposed to be?"   
  
"Not so fast," The Host said, leaning in closer to Buffy and clasping his hands in front of him. "I said he needs to find his way back- I didn't say he'd be the one to do it."   
  
"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, looking at him quizzically.   
  
"You need to go out and find that man of yours," he said, looking at her. "Your true north."   
  
"Find Riley?" Buffy asked, shaking her head. "But I have no idea where he is. The military won't tell me anything. Believe me, I've tried."   
  
"Honey, to find your true north...you just need to go a little...south."   
  
"South?"   
  
"South," the Host repeated, finishing his drink. "I'll give you a hint and you'll have to find your way from there. Hard wood. You need to go deep into the hard wood."   
  
"Hard wood? Why do I have a feeling this is some sick perverted joke?" Buffy asked skeptically. "Did Xander tell you to tell me this?"   
  
"Hard wood sweetie. Go south and deep into the hard wood and there you'll find your Riley Finn. I wouldn't waste any time not believing me if I were you. Time is a-wasting," the Host said, getting up from the table.   
  
"Wait-"   
  
"Sorry sweetie. Curtain's down. Show's over. Just remember what I said and you'll find him."   
  
"Thanks," Buffy said dejectedly.   
  
"Hey," the Host said, smiling down at her. "Chin up. You'll figure it out."   
  
"You know that?" she asked, looking up at him.   
  
"No. But I tell you what- I believe it. You take that Xander with you and I think you'll find him. Have a good night," the Host said, moving past Buffy and towards the bar.   
  
She stood up a little shakily and motioned Xander over. "We're going," she said when he reached her.   
  
"Where?"   
  
"South."   
  
To Be Continued...   
  



	4. Part 4

**TITLE:** Finding Me (4/10)   
**AUTHOR:** Rebecca Parker   
**EMAIL:** NumfarGal@aol.com  
**RATING:** PG   
**SUMMARY:** Buffy, on a tip from the Host, takes Xander on a quest to find Riley.   
**FEEDBACK:** Yes please!   
**DISTRIBUTION:** At my site, Our Own Destiny (http://www.ourowndestiny.com), FINNatics and The Hellmouth Chronicles. All others, please ask first.   
**DISCLAIMER:** Joss and Mutant Enemy own all. Don't sue!   
**DEDICATION:** To Moe, for giving the most incredible feedback ever and being one of the sweetest people I know.   
  
On the drive back to the Hyperion, hardly a word was said between the four of them.   
  
Angel was quietly focusing on the road, Buffy was working out a plan, Cordelia was reading over a screenplay she had gotten and Xander was trying to make sense of what had just happened and what they had just decided.   
  
They were going south. Where exactly, neither of them knew.   
  
Once they arrived at the hotel, they quickly and silently poured out of the car and headed into the lobby. Inside, they all stood staring at each other, unsure of what to say.   
  
"You really were great Buffy," Angel finally said, smiling shyly. "How come you never told us you could sing?"   
  
Buffy smiled. "I think you guys only think I'm a good singer because you've heard too many demons belt out tunes lately. Comparatively, I'm Billie Holliday. On my own, I'm more like Ethel Merman."   
  
"Hey," Xander said, smiling. "I've heard no demons sing before tonight and I think you were great." He stopped, thinking. "Unless you count that one time with Spike in the shower."   
  
The three of them turned to him and raised their eyebrows inquisitively. "Back up perverts," he said, shaking his head. "Not like *that*! He was staying in my basement before he got his crypt."   
  
"So was he a good singer?" Buffy asked, a little curious.   
  
"Let's just say that when the Gentlemen stole our voices, both me and my eardrums were a bit relieved."   
  
They all chuckled and, after a moment and when the laughter subsided, stood in the circle in silence once more.   
  
"So I'm going to go over this case we're working on," Cordelia said finally. She turned to Xander. "Want me to show you around the office?"   
  
Xander looked at Buffy, who nodded. "Yeah," he said, looking over to Angel who wore the same uncomfortable look as the slayer. "I'll take the dime tour."   
  
"That's about all you ever shelled out with me," Cordelia said, smiling. "We'll see you two in a bit. If you need us, just follow the bickering."   
  
"Will do," Buffy said, grinning as the two of them walked away. It almost seemed like old times with the four of them, but things were different now. In fact, everything was different, especially them. The past two years had been ones of evolution for everyone, it seemed.   
  
Unfortunately, Buffy considered her own evolution to be a backward step. She too had changed, but Buffy wasn't sure it was in a way she wanted to embrace. The first slayer had told her that she was full of love, but even now, months later, Buffy wasn't so sure.   
Angel looked over at Buffy, smiling awkwardly and walked over to the couch. She followed, sitting down next to him and sighing. Her head was still swimming with everything the Host had told her and she really needed to think things through.   
But what she needed most was to speak to Angel. There were things that needed to be said and apologies that needed to be made. She knew him too well to not notice the pain he went through hearing her sing that song and knowing it wasn't about him. She knew him too well to let him get away with an "It's OK." They needed to talk.   
  
"Angel," she started, looking down and nervously picking at her nails. "About tonight..."   
  
"It's OK Buffy," Angel said, looking over to her. "You've moved on. I'm happy for you."   
  
"Liar," she said, looking up at him and smiling to show it was less an accusation than an admittance.   
  
Angel nodded, looking away. "It's not easy," he said, sighing. "This is what I wanted for you. I just-" trailing off.   
  
"You just what?" Buffy asked gently.   
  
"I just- I'd be happier if I knew you were."   
  
"Were what?" she asked, a little confused.   
  
"If I knew you were happy," he said, looking back at her.   
  
"I was," Buffy said, sighing. "Well, more like blissfully ignorant. I made so many mistakes with him. I never knew I had it in me to be so horrible and not even notice."   
  
"You've been through a lot," Angel said. "And you have a lot on your plate. I'm sure he understood that."   
  
"He did," Buffy admitted. "But - I think that's why he left. I had so much going on and I never opened myself up to him. I was closed down," she said, sighing. "And everyone saw it but me."   
  
Angel nodded. "We all make mistakes, Buffy."   
  
"Yeah," she said, clasping her hands in front of her. "But we all don't pay such prices for them."   
  
"You'll find him," Angel said. "If the Host is sending you to, you will."   
  
"I guess," she admitted. "But part of me thinks- what if I find him and he doesn't want to be found?"   
  
"Buffy," Angel said, turning to her and taking her hand. "I love you," he started, looking down. "Of course, I always will. No one can help but be in love with you. Even Spike," Angel said, grinning.   
  
Buffy groaned. "You knew about that?"   
  
"Xander told me," he answered. "While you were singing. I have to say, that was - unexpected."   
  
"Tell me about it," she said, gripping his hand. She took a deep breath. "Thank you, Angel. I know none of this is easy for you."   
  
"It isn't. But you need to hear it," he said, letting her hand go and standing up.   
  
Buffy nodded, looking up at him. "You could too, you know?"   
  
Angel looked down. "Could what?"   
  
She stood up to face him. "Move on. I mean, it's not like you need my permission or anything, but-"   
  
"I know," Angel said, nodding. "I know I can, I just don't think I'll ever be really able to. Not in the ways that matter anyway."   
  
"I'm sorry," Buffy said, sighing. "I know you've been through a rough time lately," she started, looking at him. "You don't need to say anything- I can just tell. And you don't need to tell me about it; I'm not owed any explanations. It's just- I want you to know that I'm always here for you if you need me."   
  
"I know that," he said, nodding. "Thank you." He started to say something else, but decided to leave it at that. She had enough on her mind that it would be unfair to burden her with issues that he had, for the most part, gotten past. "You're going to leave tonight?" he asked, somewhat eager to get onto a different subject.   
  
Buffy nodded. "Yeah. I don't want to waste any time. I've done enough of that this year," she said, sighing. "I'm sorry to just run out like this. I know we just got here but-"   
  
"It's OK, Buffy," Angel said, smiling. "I understand. How are you guys on money?"   
  
"Money?" Buffy asked, her eyes wide. She hadn't even thought about it. "Oh, um," she said, fidgeting. "We're OK I guess. We'll just have a healthy diet of bread and water and push our car half the way," she said, slumping back down onto the couch. "God, I'm an idiot. I didn't even think of money. I can't do this."   
  
Angel sat back down next to her. "I can give you some money."   
  
"Angel, I can't take your money," she said, turning to him. "It's wrong on so many levels. You have a business to run and a mortgage for this place. Not to mention how weird would it be to use your money to find Riley? I can't."   
  
"If it makes you feel any better it's not really my money," he said, shrugging. "It's an old friend's who doesn't need it anymore. And I really want you to have it. If it will make you happy to find him..."   
  
"It will. I mean, I think it will," Buffy said, sighing. "Are you sure about this? It still feels weird."   
  
"I'm sure," he said, nodding. "I'll go get it now and maybe you should call home and let Giles know your plans?   
  
"God," Buffy said again. "I didn't even think about calling them. It's just- my brain is focused on the one thing right now- find Riley. I totally forgot about the slaying. How can I just up and leave them?"   
  
"I'm sure they can get by without you for a while. And you can tell Giles that if things get really bad, we can always come help out. I think it might be nice for us to leave Los Angeles for a while."   
  
"OK," Buffy said, getting up and walking towards the phone. "Can you get Xander? Now that I'm actually thinking, I'm sure Anya is going to want to speak to him.   
  
"Sure," Angel said. "I'll be right back."   
  
Buffy took a deep breath as she picked up the receiver and held it to her ear. She dialed the Magic Box's number and hoped that everyone was still there.   
  
"The Magic Box- your one stop shop for all your occult needs," a cheery voice answered.   
  
"Hey Anya," Buffy said, nervously switching the receiver to the other ear. "It's Buffy. Is Giles there?"   
  
"Buffy, is Xander there? Is he OK?" she asked, and Buffy flinched at the worried tone in her voice. They definitely should have called earlier.   
  
"He's here, Anya. We were staying with Angel, but our plans have changed. I really need to talk to Giles."   
  
"But Xander's OK? He's all in one piece still?"   
  
"Yes, he's fine. He wants to talk to you too," Buffy said, grinning as Xander walked in the room. She silently mouthed "Anya" to him and pointed to the phone. "I just really need to talk to Giles first."   
  
"Oh, he's not here," Anya said, and Buffy could hear the distinct sound of the cash register in the background. "He's out on a date with some woman."   
  
"Giles? On a date?" Buffy said, smiling.   
  
"Yep."   
  
"Really?" she asked, a bit unbelieving.   
  
"Uh huh. He did the whole nervous, stuttery thing the whole afternoon. I finally told him to get out because he was scaring the customers and making them take their money away." She sighed. "Can I talk to Xander now?"   
  
"One second. I need you to give him a message for me. It's really important. Tell him I'll call tomorrow, but Xander and I are going to find Riley."   
  
"Riley? Isn't he like- in the jungle or something?" Anya asked. "You're not taking Xander to the jungle. He might get bitten by a snake or eaten by a koala bear or something."   
  
"No, he's not in the jungle anymore," Buffy said, sighing. "I got a message from Graham about a month ago letting me know that they moved on."   
  
"So where is he now?"   
  
"South," Buffy answered, hoping Anya wouldn't press it forward but knowing she would.   
  
"South where?"   
  
"We don't really know. But an anagogic demon told me that I needed to find him and I'm going to do just that. Can you just tell Giles that I'll call him tomorrow?"   
  
"OK," Anya said, her voice showing signs of agitation. "Can I talk to Xander *now*?"   
  
"Sure. Thanks Anya," she said, covering the receiver and handing the phone to Xander. "She doesn't sound too happy."   
  
"Well, she's gone more than two days without me," he said, taking the phone. "How can she be anything but miserable?" He smirked, uncovering the receiver. "Hey An."   
  
"I heard all that, you know," Anya said angrily. "I can get by just fine without you, Xander. It's just that I don't want to and it's not good for me, so come home soon, OK?"  
  
"I'll try," Xander said, smiling. "I miss you, you know."   
  
"I miss you too Xander," Anya said. "Your bed's too big without you in it."   
  
"Well, I'll be back soon. We just need to take care of some things first." Xander stopped, listening to the silence on the other end. "I don't want you to be mad at me."   
  
"I'm not mad," Anya said, and Xander could hear her sigh over the line. "I just hate you being away for so long. And-"   
  
"And?"   
  
"And I want you to know something. I used to worry about you and Buffy because I know how much you love her."   
  
"Anya-" Xander started, but she wouldn't let him get another word in.   
  
"Xander, let me finish. I was a vengeance demon for over a millennium. I've seen men at their worst and I've done the worst back to them. For those thousand years, I truly didn't believe that any man could be faithful. So for me to see you spend so much time with Buffy or with Willow, it was hard for me. I tried to be a good girlfriend, but I didn't always trust you."   
  
"Anya-"   
  
"The thing is this, Xander- I trust you now. And I just think you should know that. So go find Riley and come home soon, OK?"   
  
Xander smiled. "I love you."   
  
"I love you too Xander. Now go find him so you can come back and we can have some nice sweaty sex."   
  
Xander laughed. "I'll try. Bye," he said, hanging up. He took a deep breath and turned back to Buffy who was grinning at him.   
  
"All good?" she asked.   
  
"Yeah," he said, sticking his hands in his pocket. "Surprisingly very. So- we hitting the road tonight or waiting for the morning?"   
  
"You up for some night driving?" she asked, looking at him hopefully. "I just- I really don't think I could sit still for another minute."   
  
"Sure," Xander answered. "I figured you'd want to go now, so I got our stuff together. We can go anytime you want."   
  
"Now," Buffy said, ashamed of how desperate she sounded. "Now is good."   
  
"Now it is then," Xander said, grabbing the keys from his pocket and twirling them around his finger. "I guess we'll just say goodbye to Cordy and Angel."   
  
"OK," Buffy said, nodding. They walked towards the main office, both of them quiet as they considered the search they had ahead of them. They quickly said their goodbyes, and Angel discretely handed Buffy the envelope of money. "Take care," he said to her, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. "Be happy."   
  
"You too," Buffy said, taking Angel's hand and squeezing it.   
  
+++   
  
A half hour later, and Buffy and Xander were almost out of Los Angeles, driving with the windows down and the cool night air blowing against their faces.   
  
Buffy took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare herself for the journey in front of them. She turned to her friend, frowning. "Xander?"   
  
"Yeah," Xander asked, quickly turning his eyes from the road to take in her worried look  
  
"What is it?"   
  
"You don't have to do this, you know? I mean, we really have no idea where we're going. South isn't exactly the most precise directions."   
  
"We'll figure it out," Xander said.   
  
"I guess. Just have a little faith in me," Buffy said, sighing.   
  
"I always have," Xander said, reaching over and squeezing her hand tight. "I think you need to find a little faith in yourself."   
  
"Maybe," Buffy said, nodding. "Maybe."   
  
++++   
  
Five minutes later, Xander's car passed the "You are now leaving Los Angeles" sign and they were on their way.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED.....   
  
  
  



	5. Part 5

**TITLE:** Finding Me (5/10)   
**AUTHOR:** Rebecca Parker   
**EMAIL:** NumfarGal@aol.com  
**SUMMARY:** Xander and Buffy, on a tip from the Host, go on a quest to find Riley.   
**RATING:** PG-13   
**FEEDBACK:** Yes please! It means ever so much!   
**DISCLAIMER:** Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.   
**DEDICATION:** To Moe, for making me feel more special than I am, and to Joss Whedon (like he'll ever read this) for being someone who inspires me to try.   
  
  
Xander's car desperately needed air conditioning. Even with the windows rolled down and the car speeding along at a steady 60 miles per hour, the breeze wasn't enough to keep him and Buffy at a comfortable temperature.   
  
She sighed, fanning herself with the latest issue of "Vogue" which she had already read through twice. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive a little?" she asked, turning to her friend whose eyes were focused on the road.   
  
"Well, only if instead of finding Riley, you want to find the quickest way to the nearest emergency room," Xander said, grinning.   
  
"Ha ha," Buffy said. She shifted in her seat and folded her arms. "My driving's not *that* bad."   
  
"Sure. Tell that the nice little old lady you nearly hit the other day on the way home from the movies."   
  
"Hey," Buffy said defensively. "There were extenuating circumstances then. You know I was just really upset about how wrong they got everything in 'The Forsaken'. I had a lot on my mind."   
  
"Ah, but you're clear headed enough to drive now?" Xander asked.   
  
"Good point," Buffy said, sighing. "I just want to help. I'm so tired of sitting back and doing nothing."   
  
"Well, as soon as I get lost, which I estimate to occur in oh," he said, stealing a glance at his watch, "an hour, you can break out the map and help us not wind up in Canada."   
  
Buffy smiled. "You're doing fine Xander," she said, patting his leg reassuredly. "It's just- that wasn't what I meant."   
  
"So what do you mean?" Xander asked, looking at her inquisitively.   
  
"It's not just the ride," she started, looking down at her nails and picking her cuticles nervously. "It's everything. I'm the Slayer, and I go out there and I save the world, night after night. But everything else," she said, looking away, "everything else seems to fall to the wayside and I don't even notice."   
  
"Buffy," Xander began, but she cut him off.   
  
"Don't try to tell me it's not true," she said, looking at him. "Be honest."   
  
Xander nodded. "Maybe," he said. "But Buff- I have problems remembering where my keys are. I left the house for work last week without pants on. And I don't have half the things on my mind and the responsibilities as you do."   
  
"It's no excuse," she said, shaking her head. "I can't pull the 'Hey! I have the weight of the world of the shoulders!' card all the time. I need to change the way I've been doing things."   
  
"Haven't you?" Xander asked. "I mean, we are talking Riley here, right?"   
  
"Mostly," Buffy admitted. "But not totally. There's Dawn too. God, I didn't even know she was stealing until Anya found out. What kind of sister am I?"   
  
"Buffy, 14 year old girls major in secret-keeping. You can't hold that against yourself."   
  
"My mom would have known," Buffy said, looking down.   
  
"Buffy, your mom spent 3 years not knowing you were the slayer," Xander reminded her.  
  
"None of us are perfect. Sometimes the hardest thing to see is what's right in front of us."   
  
Buffy nodded. "Like vampire bites all over a body?"   
  
"For example," Xander said, taking a deep breath. "But I'll tell you this, Buffy. You've changed since Riley."   
  
"Have I? Really?" Buffy asked, shaking her head. "I don't know. The whole thing with Dawn, and with Spike and- I don't know."   
  
"Well I do," Xander said, looking at her. "And the thing with Spike- who would have seen *that* coming?"   
  
Buffy had to smile at that. "I know. That was just- Yeah. Unexpected is a good word for it. But it's just- I think that what he feels for me- it's real. And I was so horrible to him."   
  
"Buffy, you really can't blame yourself for freaking out with Spike. Just because maybe his feelings are real, it still doesn't make them right."   
  
"But who am I to judge? I mean," she said, running her fingers through her hair nervously, "Spike treated me better than I treated Riley- so what makes Spike not deserving of me, but me deserving of Riley?"   
  
"It doesn't work that way Buffy," Xander said, shaking his head. "Spike doesn't deserve you because he's killed more people than I've met in my life."   
  
"I guess," Buffy said, looking out the side of the car. "It's getting dark."   
  
Xander nodded. "Yeah, it is. I think I saw a sign for a motel coming up. We can stay there for the night, I guess."   
  
"Good," Buffy said, pulling her sweater over her shoulders. "I could use some sleep."   
  
"You could always sleep when I'm driving, Buff. You don't need to stay up with me."   
  
"I know," Buffy said, smiling at her friend. "I just like spending time with you."   
  
++++   
  
Xander opened the door to their hotel room and frowned at the site before him. "Wow. I mean, I know we're only paying $20 a night, but I still think we were overcharged."   
Buffy frowned, walking in after Xander. "This place looks like something out of a nightmare I had a few weeks ago."   
  
"Hey, maybe it was a prophetic dream," Xander offered.   
  
"I don't think so. Winged monkeys and purple giraffes also factored into the dream. So unless I decide to do some acid, I'd say it was just a bad dream inspired by too much spicy Mexican food."   
  
Xander laughed, putting his bag down beside the door and sighing as he looked at the bed. "I'll take the floor," he said, removing his jacket and placing it on top of his bag.   
  
"Just toss me a pillow, and I'm good to go."   
  
Buffy walked over to the bed and lifted up the blankets. "There's only one pillow, Xander. Here," she said, tossing it to him. "You can take it."   
  
Xander threw the pillow back. "No, you take it. I'll just use my jacket. I'll be fine. Really," he said, trying to reassure her.   
  
Buffy sighed. "Xander, why don't you just sleep with me?"   
  
Xander quirked his eyebrow. "Why Buffy, I thought you'd never ask," he said jokingly.   
  
"Very funny," she said, giggling. "But you know what I mean. Look, the two of us have been friends for way too long now to feel awkward about this. You've been driving all day, and I am not about to let you sleep on the floor, especially with no pillows."   
  
"Are you sure?" he asked. "I mean- I sleep in the nude."   
  
"Oh," Buffy said, her eyes growing wide. "Well, I mean. Yeah, Because- it's the floor- and it's hard- No! I mean, not hard. Just floor-like and..."   
  
Xander laughed. "Buffy, I'm kidding. I'll sleep in my clothes. You on the other hand can feel free to-"   
  
"You like torturing me, don't you?" she asked, grinning.   
  
"It ranks high," Xander answered, stretching his arms. "So what say we just skip the sex and go straight to the sleeping and forgetting it ever happened."   
  
"You know Xander," Buffy said, sitting down on the bed and quickly getting underneath the sheets. "With all the jobs you've had in the past year, I'm amazed you've never tried your hand at stand up-comedian."   
  
"Yeah well, my hands were busy elsewhere," Xander said, getting into bed next to her.   
  
"Well, enough about Anya," Buffy said, laughing.   
  
"Ah, your turn to torture now, is it?" Xander said, kicking off his shoes and letting them fall to the floor. "I'm good where I am now. I like being a carpenter."   
  
"That's good," Buffy said, turning on her side to look at him. "I'm really proud of you. It's like- when you play the Game of Life? And you can either take an extra 5 spaces to go to college, or you can just start the game and skip college. Most people go the college route, but you really don't need to. The salary card has nothing to do with the career; so going to college really doesn't help you in the game. It kind of just holds you back because everyone else is already ahead those 5 spaces."   
  
Xander looked at Buffy for a moment and then laughed. "You've been hanging out with Anya way too much lately."   
  
Buffy smiled and rolled back to lie on her back. "Xander," she said, after a moment. "When did you get over me?"   
  
"What?" Xander asked, turning to look at Buffy inquisitively. "Where did that come from?"   
  
"It's just," she said, taking a deep breath. "You loved me, right?"   
  
Xander nodded. "For a long time. And I mean, I still do. It's just-"   
  
"-different," Buffy finished, sighing.   
  
"Yeah. Um," Xander said, "Maybe I should sleep on the floor after all."   
  
"No," Buffy said, grabbing his arm. "I love you too, Xander- in that best friend, big brother sort of way." she sat up, leaning her back against the wall. "It's just- I'm just thinking- even then I was oblivious. Way before Riley."   
  
"Buffy-"   
  
"No," Buffy said, bringing her knees to her chest and resting her arms on them. "I didn't even realize you were in love with me until you asked me to Spring Fling. And looking back, I mean- I see it all. I see all the things I missed. It's the same with Riley." She took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that had fallen. "I'm so sorry, Xander."   
  
"You don't need to be," he answered, smiling at her. He took her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Now let's get some sleep. I think we both need it."   
  
Buffy nodded. "Thank you Xander," she said, moving back under the sheets and closing her eyes.   
  
Xander looked over to his friend one last time before he shut the lamp off next to him. "Good night," he said, and then he closed his eyes and fell asleep.   
  
+++++   
  
Buffy opened her eyes, instantly finding she couldn't see anything. It was dark, and it was cold, and the ground beneath Buffy's bare feet was wet.   
  
She took a step, her hands in front of her trying desperately to feel for something. "Xander?" she called out, her heartbeat starting to race.   
  
"Xander's not here," a voice said, and Buffy immediately recognized it. "Riley!" she shouted, taking a quick step forward.   
  
"I'm right here," the voice answered, but its direction had shifted. Where before it came from in front of her, now it was behind her.   
  
"Where? I can't find you!"   
  
"Buffy!" the voice called out again.   
  
"Riley!" Buffy turned around, running in the opposite direction for a few seconds before she felt her foot get caught in something. She fell to the ground, her hands breaking her fall.   
  
"You need to hurry," she heard him say, but she couldn't get a fix on where his voice was coming from.   
  
"I'm trying," she said, but her foot was caught. "Damnit," she said, trying to break it free of it's restraints, but it wouldn't move.   
  
She heard something run by her suddenly, and she held her breath, trying to listen to what was going on. "Riley?"   
  
It was then that she heard him scream, and her heart turned cold. "RILEY!"   
  
"You'll never find me now," she heard him say, and then the rest was silence.   
  
++++   
  
Buffy woke up, back in her bed with Xander sleeping next to her. She sat up, struggling to catch her breath and clutching her hand to her chest.   
  
"Buffy?" Xander asked, waking up and groggily looking up at her. "Is everything OK?"   
  
"No," Buffy answered. "We need to keep going. Now."   
  
TO BE CONTINUED....   
  
  
  



	6. Part 6

TITLE 

TITLE: Finding Me (6/10)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com   
RATING: PG-13   
SUMMARY: Buffy and Xander, on a tip from the Host, go on a quest to find Riley.   
FEEDBACK: I do the Dance of Joy upon receipt of feedback, so yes please!   
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon (aka Genius) and Mutant Enemy own all.   
DISTRIBUTION: At my site (http://www.ourowndestiny.com), and all the usual suspects. All others, please ask first.   
DEDICATION: To Moe and Jen'fr. Just 'cause.   
NOTE: The title is a song by Vertical Horizon.   
  
  
  
As the streets whipped by outside her window, Buffy couldn't help but feel nervous. By the look of the speedometer, Xander was going above the speed limit, but Buffy still felt as if they wouldn't get to Riley in time.   
  
Her dream bothered her more than she would like to admit. She had problems sitting still, or maintaining a non-Riley thought for longer than a minute or two. All that seemed important right now was finding him, and helping him. Everything else would have to be pushed to the back of her brain for her to deal with later.   
  
"Xander," Buffy said, her voice agitated as she tapped nervously on the dashboard of his car. "Can't you go any faster?"   
  
Xander sighed. "Buff, we're not going to be much good to Riley if we're laid up in the hospital with concussions."   
  
"I know," she said, pulling her hair back into a ponytail and fastening it with an elastic band. "It's just-"   
  
"You're worried," Xander finished. "I know. I mean, I understand that. But we need to worry about ourselves too. We can't be driving 100 miles per hour to get somewhere we're not even sure we're going yet, you know?"   
  
Buffy nodded. "I'm sorry Xander. I just keep hearing him calling out to me in my head. I didn't get to the helicopter in time to stop him from leaving, and I don't really feel like continuing my tradition of really sucky timing. Not when his life is on the line."   
  
"OK," Xander said, "I'll make you a deal."   
  
"A deal?" Buffy asked, raising her eyebrows at her friend. "What kind of deal?"   
  
"The kind where you let us stop for dinner, and I go an extra 5-10 miles per hour," Xander said, pointing to a sign at the side of the road. "There's a diner coming up in two miles. I'm starved. You game?"   
  
Buffy lowered her hand to her stomach, feeling the rumblings underneath. They had been driving for 8 hours straight since the morning, and neither had eaten breakfast or lunch. Dinner was sounding like a very good idea. "OK," Buffy agreed. "Just a quick one tho."   
  
"I doubt that's going to be a problem." Xander started to slow down as he veered the car onto the exit ramp. "I think as soon as they put the plate in front of me, it's going to be in my stomach about a minute later. I'm *that* hungry."   
  
"I'm sorry Xander," Buffy said again. "We should have had lunch or at least picked up some snacks at the gas station."   
  
"Hey," Xander said, patting Buffy's leg for a moment. "I want to find him too. I don't want anything to happen to him either."   
  
"You two were good friends," Buffy said, nodding. "You were better to him than I was."   
  
"That's not true," Xander said, smiling. "We very rarely snuggled."   
  
Buffy laughed, and for the first time that day, she felt alright. She felt like maybe things would be OK. "How do you do it, Xander?"   
  
"Do what?"   
  
"Make me feel better like that. You always do."   
  
"Oh," Xander said, grinning as he turned into the parking lot. "A magician never reveals his secrets."   
  
"OK then," Buffy said, staring at the diner in front of them. "Well, this place looks...fun."   
  
"Fun?" Xander said, smiling. "I think the word you were looking for is 'dive'. But they serve food, and that's all that matters to me right about now."   
  
"I hear ya," Buffy said, unbuckling her seat belt and opening the car door. "My stomach was about to jump out of my body and get its own food if I didn't eat soon."   
  
"Yeah well, mine threatened to eat my large intestines for sustenance," Xander said, grinning as he got out and shut the door behind him. "So do we know where we are?"   
  
"Please don't tell me we're lost," Buffy said, her heart starting to race.   
  
"No," Xander said, walking over to her. "I mean, we're following Route 10 all the way, so it's not like we're off on some beaten path where we have to worry about the Blair Witch or squealing like a pig, you know? I'm just not sure what city we're in."   
  
Buffy looked up at the diner and smiled. "Tucson, Arizona."   
  
"Ah," Xander said, following her stare and noticing the sign which read "Tucson Diner."   
  
"Well," she said, walking towards the front entrance. "If nothing else, this diner is better than a map."   
  
"So we're good on money, right?" Xander asked as he held the door open for her. "I mean, I'm kind of low but I got the impression you're not?"   
  
"We're good," Buffy answered, walking inside and heading over to a booth. She didn't feel comfortable telling Xander than Angel had given her some money, so she hoped he would let the subject drop.   
  
"OK," Xander said, sitting across from her. "I just wanted to make sure we're good for the five course meal I'm about to order."   
  
The waitress came over and smiled at them. "Hey there folks," she said, placing two menus in front of them. "Y'all from out of town?"   
  
"Yeah," Buffy said, opening the menu and looking up at her. "We're from California."   
  
"Ah. Whereabouts?" the waitress asked. "I'm an expert on tourist attractions."   
  
"Sunnydale," Xander said, smiling up at her. "Home of the famous Boca Del Infierno."   
  
"Mouth of hell?" the waitress asked, giving them a strange look.   
  
"Ah," Xander said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "You weren't supposed to be know that. Cause you know, I was kidding."   
  
"Ah," the waitress said, shrugging. "Well anyway. Y'all can look your menus over and I'll be back in a jiff to take your order."   
  
Buffy laughed as the waitress walked away. "Smooth Xand," she said, flipping the page of the menu and trying to find something suitable to eat. "Do you know what you want?" she asked, after a minute.   
  
"Yeah, I have it all planned," Xander answered, motioning over the waitress. "You?"   
  
"Yeah," she said, closing the menu. She watched as the waitress, whose name she now made out from her nametag as "Maybelline" walked over to the two of them.   
  
"Y'all ready?" she asked, smiling as she took the pen from her pocket and poised it over the pad. "What can I getcha?"   
  
"Um," Buffy said, fiddling with the corners of the menu, "I'll have a turkey burger with extra tomatoes, a side order of fries, and a Diet Coke please."   
  
"Good choice," Maybelline said, smiling as she jotted it all down. "And how about you?" she asked, looking to Xander.   
  
"I'll take a double cheeseburger, medium well with extra cheese, an order of fries, a large chocolate shake and a large root beer," Xander said, handing the menu back to her.   
  
"Sure got one hell of an appetite on ya," Maybelline said, winking at Xander. "I'll put these right in. Kinda dead in here today, so it'll be up soon."   
  
"Thanks," Buffy said, grinning at Xander as she walked away. "OK, number one she is totally flirting with you, and number two, you know you're going to have to doggy bag half of that, right?"   
  
"Au contraire, mon cherie," Xander said, smiling at her. "You underestimate the depths of my hunger."   
  
"I guess so," Buffy said. She turned to stare out the window at the cars passing by on the expressway. Night was falling, and Buffy always started to feel that itch inside her to get out and do something. Only here, Buffy wouldn't know where to start.   
  
"Why the long face?" Xander asked, smiling at Maybelline as she placed their sodas in front of them. "Wishing you got the Diet Pepsi, aren't you?" he jokingly asked.   
  
She took a deep breath and turned back to Xander. "I think we should go home."   
  
"What?" Xander asked, surprised by her comment. "Why?"   
  
"Xander, come on. Let's face facts. We have no idea where we're going, we're using money I borrowed from Angel, and there are probably vamps and demons partying it up back home while I'm away. It's selfish to go off looking for him," she said, sighing. "I just have to accept that I've lost him."   
  
"What about your dreams?" Xander asked, frowning at his friend.   
  
"I couldn't save him anyway," she answered, taking a sip of her soda and trying to bite back the sadness and anger that came with that statement. "I just think- I don't know," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Maybe we should just give up."   
  
"Buffy," Xander started, trying to, for once, plan what he was going to say before he said it. "You're scared. I know you are. There's so many chances that this can go wrong."   
  
"OK, if this is your talk to make me change my mind, may I say you suck at it?" she said, smiling a little.   
  
"Anyway," he said, fiddling with his straw. "So maybe there's this chance that you won't save him, or that he'll turn you away, and that's scary as hell, I know. But Buffy- there's also this chance that you'll find him and things will go right. Isn't that what The Host said? That you two belong together?"   
  
"I guess," she admitted, folding her arms. "It's just-"   
  
"Buffy," he said, cutting her off. "Listen. I'm not going to let you back out of this. This is your chance for happiness, and you've earned it. And you know what? I'm going to make sure that, for once, you get it."   
  
"Aw, that's sure sweet," Maybelline said, cutting Buffy off before she could say anything. "Sure got yourself a mighty fine boyfriend here," she said, placing their food down in front of them.   
  
"Oh," Buffy said, smiling. "He's not my boyfriend."   
  
"Ah," Maybelline said, winking again at Xander. "Now is that a fact?"   
  
"Thanks," Xander said, struggling not to laugh. He picked up a French fry and plopped it into his mouth. Another two or three soon followed.   
  
After the waitress left, Buffy stared at Xander, not even touching her own food.   
  
"What?" Xander asked, looking at her. "I told you I was hungry."   
  
"It's not that," Buffy said, smiling. "I kinda love you, you know?"   
  
"I know," Xander said, the corners of his mouth turning up into a smile. "Now eat," he ordered, grinning as he took a large bite from his cheeseburger.   
  
Buffy picked up her turkey burger and took a small bite from the side. They sat in silence, chewing and swallowing and listening to the heated conversation at the next table.   
  
"So I told Maria that if he ever cheated on her again, I'd drive over him with my car," the woman said, her voice angry.   
  
"Well, the amount of chiquitas Daniel's been seen with, I'm surprised he doesn't have tire marks on his back already," the man said, laughing.   
  
"It's not funny, Juan," the woman said. "Maria's really hurting. That pendejo is just one step away from a bad accident."   
  
Buffy chuckled, whispering to Xander, "And you thought we had problems." He laughed, and she ate another french fry. "What's a pendejo anyway?"   
  
"Pendejo?" Xander repeated. "Wait. I know this. I took Spanish, right? I mean, I either slept through it half the time or stared at Senora Vasquez's sweater, but I should know this, right?"   
  
"You should," Buffy said. "I, on the other hand, took French, so will not feel bad that I don't know this."   
  
"I'm thinking- penguin? Or possibly cheese."   
  
"It means 'dick'," the woman said, turning around. "This one's funny," she said, pointing at Xander. "Penguin," she repeated, laughing. " I shouldn't make fun of you tho- don't think they taught 'pendejo' in Spanish class."   
  
"Oh," Buffy said, smiling sheepishly. "We didn't mean to eavesdrop."   
  
"It's OK," the woman said. "The more people who know what a pendejo Daniel is, the better."   
  
"OK," Buffy said, tapping her forehead. "Got it all marked down in here. Daniel equals big pendejo."   
  
"Good," the woman said, turning back in her seat and picking up her conversation, this time entirely in Spanish.   
  
Xander laughed at Buffy, whose face had turned an interesting shade of red. "You know, if it wasn't for Anya, I'd think of moving here. I'm a big chick magnet," he said, swallowing the last of his burger.   
  
"Yeah well, I think your Spanish is a little too rusty for this part of town. You wouldn't know what anything-"   
  
Buffy stopped suddenly and looked past Xander.   
  
"What's the frequency Buffy?" he asked, snapping his fingers. "You're having a thought."   
  
"Xander- what if 'hard wood' means something in another language? I mean, down South there's so many Spanish names and places."   
  
"Maybe," Xander said, nodding.   
  
Maybelline came over and took their plates from them. "My, I can't believe you ate all that," she said, smiling. "Guess a growing boy needs a lot to keep him happy."   
  
"Uh- yeah," Xander said, starting to grow uncomfortable with Maybelline's affections. He turned back to Buffy. "Ask them," he said.   
  
"You think?"   
  
"What would it hurt?"   
  
"OK," Buffy said, turning around and tapping the woman behind her on the shoulder. "Hi," she said, waving nervously. "I was hoping you could help my friend and here with a riddle. Do you have a moment?"   
  
The woman looked Buffy over and shrugged. "Sure. What's up?"   
  
"Well," Buffy started, "We were wondering if you could tell us how to say 'hard wood' in Spanish."   
  
"Hard wood?" the woman asked. "What are you- planning on taking a Latin lover or something?"   
  
Xander couldn't help but laugh. "No," he said, "we're just trying to fill out a crossword puzzle."   
  
"Ah," she said. "It's 'palo duro'."   
  
"Palo duro?" Buffy asked, and the woman nodded in assent. "Thanks," she said, turning back to Xander. "That mean anything to you?"   
  
"Not a thing," he said as Maybelline stepped over to refill his Coke.   
  
"That's like that Palo Duro Canyon in Texas," she said, placing the bill down in front of Xander. "Went there on my first honeymoon with Earl. Five months later, the sonofabitch just up and left me."   
  
Xander's face lit up, and he turned to Buffy and smiled. "Bingo."   
  
To Be Continued....   



	7. Part 7

TITLE 

TITLE: Finding Me (7/10)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com   
RATING: PG-13   
SUMMARY: Buffy, on a tip from The Host, goes on a quest with Xander to find   
Riley.   
SPOILERS: General Season 5, except in this 'verse, Buffy defeats Glory and   
doesn't die.   
FEEDBACK: I do the Dance of Joy upon receipt of feedback.   
DISTRIBUTION: At my site, http://www.ourowndestiny.com and all the usual   
suspects. If you want it, just ask.   
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.   
DEDICATION: To Moe - who makes me feel almost as special as she is.   
  
  
  
"I love you," Buffy said, turning to Xander. "And I know I've made a lot of   
mistakes in the past. I was really blind for a long time, and I don't know   
what to say that will make that better."   
  
Xander nodded. "OK, that works," he said. "But you might want to *try* to   
find something to say that will make it better, because this has to be good,   
Buffy. I mean, you're asking him to give up his career for you. Again."   
  
Buffy sighed, fanning herself with the piece of paper she had folded into a   
makeshift cooling device an hour before. "I know," she said, taking a deep   
breath. "It's just- is there anything I *can* say? I mean, Hallmark doesn't   
exactly make cards for 'Gee, I'm sorry I was a stupid idiot and let you run   
off and join a military operation that hunts demons in which you can be   
killed any day, and if anything happens to you, it's all my fault'."   
  
"Actually, I think I saw one of those in a catalog," Xander said, smirking.   
  
"Very funny," Buffy said, shifting in her seat nervously. "I just don't know   
what to say."   
  
Xander turned into the next lane to pass a station wagon they had been stuck   
behind for the last 10 minutes. As he pulled his car back into the correct   
lane, he shrugged. "Listen. You want my advice?"   
  
"As long as it's more profound than 'plastics'," Buffy said, smiling. She   
looked at Xander, who looked back at her, not understanding. She laughed.   
"Dustin Hoffman. 'The Graduate'. Everyone told him to get into plastics?"   
  
"Huh?" Xander asked, flicking on his headlights as the sky began to darken.   
"This is a movie?"   
  
"God Xander," Buffy said, laughing. "You really need to watch something that   
doesn't star Pauly Shore."   
  
"Hey!" Xander said, defensively. "I took Anya to see 'Dude, Where's My Car?'   
a few weeks ago."   
  
"I'm just going to try to forget you said that." Buffy laughed, putting her   
fan down as the night air started to cool. "Anyway, you had advice?"   
  
"I did," Xander said, nodding. He sat there for a minute before he spoke   
again, Buffy looking at him anxiously. "I'm just trying to remember what it   
was."   
  
"Tease," Buffy admonished him lightly. "We were talking about Riley,   
remember? Those magical words I'm going to say to make him come back to me?"   
  
"Oh yeah," Xander said, nodding. "That's pretty much my advice, just the   
opposite of it."   
  
"The opposite?"   
  
"Yeah. I don't think there are magic words. I don't think you can come up   
with anything that's going to fix it all."   
  
"OK Xander, I was actually looking for helpful advice, not the type that   
makes me want to turn this car around," Buffy said, sinking down in her seat,   
starting to feel the familiar tinges of hopelessness start to cross the   
barrier she had put up when they started this trip.   
  
"I wasn't finished," Xander said, grinning. "What I was going to say was- I   
think when you're there, and you're in front of him- you'll know. You can't   
plan everything. It's kind of like slaying, right? You don't sit at home and   
think, 'I'm gonna do a back flip kick into a high punch tonight' right?"   
  
"Wow. That would so throw me off balance," Buffy said, imagining it in her   
head.   
  
"What I meant is- you just get there, and you do what you have to do. It just   
comes naturally."   
  
"I guess," Buffy said, shrugging. "I just- a part of me," she started, and   
then stopped. "OK, make that most of me thinks that he's not going to take me   
back. I mean, I messed up so much."   
  
"Yeah. Maybe," Xander admitted. "But hey- remember what the Host said?"   
  
"That we're meant to be together," Buffy repeated, nodding. "I know, but-"   
  
"No buts," Xander said, shaking his head. "There will be no buts in this car   
except for the ones we're sitting on."   
  
"Thank you Xander," Buffy said, smiling.   
  
"It's what I'm here for," Xander said, steering the car into the next lane.   
"So look," he said, eyeing the sky as the sun disappeared beneath the   
horizon. "We have at least another day of driving ahead of us. We've got   
three ham and cheese sandwiches in the backseat, and I'm feeling pretty   
awake. So I'm just gonna drive through the night, and maybe we can try you   
driving for an hour or two tomorrow? I mean, if you think you can without   
driving us into a telephone pole."   
  
Buffy swallowed hard, starting to fidget nervously. "Driving. Sure. I can do   
that. I mean, I drove that armored car when I was in Faith's body, and I only   
hit the one mailbox."   
  
"Wow. Not the vote of confidence I was looking for," Xander said, grinning.   
"But you're sure? I don't want to wake up with the steering wheel wrapped   
around my neck."   
  
"You're going to need sleep," Buffy said, shrugging. "And I want to get there   
as soon as I can. So if I can help, I will."   
  
"OK," Xander agreed. "But if you're having any doubts-"   
  
"Xander, I'm having about 351 doubts. They're just all jumbled into one now,   
so I can't really tell you if one of them is about driving."   
  
"OK, well just let me know if you change your mind. We can always pull over   
to the side of the road for a few hours to catch some sleep."   
  
"And in those few hours, something could happen to him. I can't take that   
chance, Xander."   
  
Xander nodded. "OK. Just get some rest now so you're ready for tomorrow."   
  
Buffy grabbed her jacket from the backseat and folded it into a pillow,   
pressing it against the window. "Yes Sir," she said, smiling as she closed   
her eyes. "Wish me prophecy-less dreams."   
  
"Sweet dreams," Xander said, and a minute later, Buffy was asleep.   
  
++++   
  
Riley looked up at the sky, eyeing the stars he had guided himself by for the   
last two weeks. In this stretch of the canyon, it was just him and Graham   
every night, patrolling for the group of demons that had taken out a party of   
tourists a month before. The unit held its base of operations about a half a   
mile up under the shade, privacy and protection of an overhanging piece of   
rock.   
  
There, at least thirty more men like Riley converged, studying the species   
and trying to find a way to defeat them. From the one he and Graham had been   
able to capture a few days before, the scientists had concurred that the   
demon was stronger than most, deadlier than most and especially hard to kill.   
Their hides were as strong as stone, and their claws as sharp as knives.   
  
Riley had never met a more difficult opponent and it had taken the two of   
them an hour to take down the one they had. He wasn't exactly looking   
forward to meeting up with them again. But as he moved past the familiar   
path he traveled each night, Graham at his side, he knew it wouldn't be long   
before they did just that.   
  
"What do you think?" Riley asked, looking over at his friend who held his   
tazer gun in a similar position to Riley's. "One more sweep?"   
  
Graham nodded. "Yeah. Got a bad feeling we're about to run into trouble."   
  
"You too, huh?" Riley sighed, tightening his grip on his gun. "I don't hear   
anything, but..."   
  
"Yeah," Graham agreed. "There's something about to happen. Get your weapon   
ready," he said, moving his own into position.   
  
The two of them stepped more slowly around the bend, blind to what lay behind   
it. They held their breaths, listening for any sign of movement, but hearing   
none. But the hairs standing at attention on the back of both of their necks   
told a different story. "Graham," Riley whispered, his voice barely audible   
despite the fact that they were a mere few feet away from each other. "Let's   
take 'em down."   
  
Graham nodded, and as they turned around the bend, neither was surprised to   
find two of the demons laying in wait for them. Riley quickly fired his   
weapon and, just like the last time, the demon moved with skillful ease and   
precision out of the path of the fire. "Damnit," Riley muttered, moving   
quickly to another position and keeping an eye out for Graham, who had done   
the same.   
  
"Take it easy," Graham said to Riley. "Just like last time, Ri- wear 'em   
down." Graham moved carefully, his head lowered just a bit as he edged   
closer to the two demons who eyed them as nothing more than pure fodder.   
  
"I got it," Riley said, shooting his gun again and cursing in frustration as   
once more, the demon moved out of the line of fire.   
  
Graham looked over at Riley, who was visibly growing more agitated by the   
moment. "Cool down, Finn," Graham ordered. He dropped to the ground, quickly   
rolling over and shooting up at the demon. It was caught by surprise and   
wasn't able to dodge the blow. "Gotcha," Graham said, getting to his feet   
and watching Riley walk closer to the other one.   
  
"Back down," he said, running over to Riley to pull him back. But the other   
demon, infuriated by his fallen mate, slashed out at Riley, its inches-long   
claws digging into his stomach.   
  
Riley recoiled back, his hands clutching his stomach, his eyes growing large   
as he noticed the blood pouring out. "Damnit," he said, his voice weak as he   
looked back at Graham.   
  
"Shit," Graham said, his own voice shaking as he raised his weapon and shot   
the other demon which had begun to charge towards the wounded shoulder. When   
he saw it fall to the ground, he rushed over to Riley, catching him before he   
fell to the ground. "Finn," Graham said, shaking his friend. "Stay with me   
Riley."   
  
Graham quickly maneuvered out of his jacket, bunching it together and   
pressing it against Riley's stomach. Riley groaned as the two of them fell to   
the ground.   
  
"Just keep that there," Graham said. "Hold it tight against the wound."   
  
"Graham," Riley sputtered, his face taut with pain. "Buffy-"   
  
"It's alright," Graham said, "Just hold it tight." He shakily grabbed his   
cell phone from his pocket and dialed base camp. The few rings that it took   
before anyone picked up felt like the longest. "This is Agent Miller. Agent   
Finn is down, requesting medical attention ASAP," Graham said, checking his   
watch. "We're at position C-42."   
  
He waited for the confirmation before hanging up the phone and looking down   
at Riley. "You're not going anywhere, Finn," Graham said, grabbing his   
friend's hand and squeezing it tight.   
  
But Riley didn't respond, and his hand stayed limp. "Finn?" Graham asked.   
Still no answer. "Riley???"   
  
To Be Continued.....   



	8. Part 8

TITLE 

TITLE: Finding Me (8/10)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com   
RATING: PG-13   
SUMMARY: Buffy, on a tip from The Host, goes on a quest with Xander to find Riley.   
SPOILERS: General Season 5, except in this 'verse, Buffy defeats Glory and doesn't die.   
FEEDBACK: I do the Dance of Joy upon receipt of feedback.   
DISTRIBUTION: At my site, http://www.ourowndestiny.com and all the usual suspects. If you want it, just ask.   
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.   
DEDICATION: For the almighty Moe.   
  
  
  
When Xander woke up, he was sure he was going to find the two of them in a ditch on the side of the road, or at a gas station being repaired. What he didn't expect to find was Buffy driving in a straight line on the freeway into Texas.   
  
He looked over at her, his eyelids still mostly closed as he struggled to escape from the last clutches of sleep. He couldn't help but laugh as he noticed how tightly her fingers were gripping the wheel. She stared out at the road intently, and a quick glance at the speedometer told Xander she was going exactly the speed limit.   
  
"Good Morning Buffy," Xander said, groggily sitting up and stretching his arms out in front of him. "Everything OK?"   
  
Buffy looked over at Xander for a moment before quickly focusing back on the road. "Oh. Sure. I mean, I hit that nun a few miles back, but I think I outran the cops."   
  
"What?!" Xander asked, turning back suddenly to view the road behind them. It was empty. "You're kidding me, right?"   
  
"Am I?" Buffy said, still staring at the road, but allowing a devilish smile to creep onto her features. "You know Xander, for someone who jokes every other sentence, you sure are gullible."   
  
"I've been told that," Xander agreed. "Usually right after Anya takes all my money by promising to withhold sex."   
  
"You really believed that Anya would be able to abstain from sex?" Buffy asked, chuckling.   
  
"Like I said- gullible."   
  
Buffy laughed again, and the car automatically swerved to the right a bit.   
  
"Woah," Xander said, gripping the side of the car. "I better not make you laugh. It seems to be a Buffy-driving-liability."   
  
"Maybe you shouldn't," Buffy said, smiling as she maneuvered the car back into place. "Not that I think you can help yourself."   
  
"Probably not," Xander said, cracking his knuckles. "Want me to take over the driving?"   
  
Buffy shrugged. "It's OK. I mean, according to the map, we're almost there."   
  
"Really?" Xander asked, leaning back and grabbing the map from behind them. "How long was I down for?"   
  
"Six hours," Buffy said, smiling. "I can't believe I slept through that snoring of yours the other night! You and Anya must perform quite the duet."   
  
"Oh yeah. You should hear us do 'Madame Butterfly'. You'll never be the same again." Xander smiled at her awkwardly. "Sorry. Was I really loud?"   
  
"Thankfully, Barenaked Ladies covered most of it," Buffy said, leaning over and removing the CD from the player. The car swerved again.   
  
"Buffy," Xander said, moving quickly to take the CD out himself. "Eyes on the road, huh?"   
  
"Oh," Buffy said, straightening back up and tightening her grip on the steering wheel. "Right. Sorry."   
  
"No problem," Xander said, smiling as he placed the CD back in its case. "So not much further?"   
  
"Looks like," Buffy said, smiling as they passed a sign that read 'Palo Duro Canyon, next right'. Should only be a few more minutes."   
  
"You look happy," Xander commented, looking at her. "Feeling better about things?"   
  
Buffy nodded. "Yeah, actually. I'm kinda feeling better about everything all of the sudden. I guess it's like- first step, driving. Second step, getting my life together."   
  
"Sounds like a solid plan." Xander stared at Buffy for another minute, not saying anything.   
  
Finally, she turned to him, unable to hide her look of confusion. "What?"   
  
"I like this Buffy," Xander said matter-of-factly. "I like her a lot."   
  
"Ah," Buffy said, making a right into the entrance of the canyon. "Well, expect to see her a lot from now on, because this girl's-"   
  
Buffy stopped, the smile quickly fading. She shut off the engine and stared at what was in front of her. "Xander?" she said, not shifting her gaze. "Why do I all of the sudden have a very bad feeling?"   
  
Xander frowned, reading the sign in front of him. "Well, they're closed," he said, shrugging. "I mean, we knew something was going on or else Riley and the Initiative guys wouldn't be hanging out here, right?"   
  
"But what if- I mean, what if we were wrong? What if this isn't the place?"   
  
"Buffy. 'Palo Duro' equals 'hard wood'. We're at the right place," Xander said, opening the car door and stepping outside.   
  
"Yeah," Buffy said, nodding as she got out of the car after him. Although the air was far from cool, Buffy shuddered and quickly wrapped her arms around herself.   
  
The two of them walked up to the sign that read 'Closed by State Ordinance' and Buffy reached out to touch the flowers which were attached to it. "People died here," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper.   
  
"17 people," Xander answered, picking up a newspaper article which had fallen to the ground. He handed it to Buffy, a look of concern on his face.   
  
Buffy took it and sighed she read aloud the first words. "17 tourists were found dead at Palo Duro Canyon June 8, their bodies horribly mauled. Police are investigating, and report they have no suspects."   
  
Buffy looked up at Xander, who gulped nervously. "What did I always say about Sunnydale, Buff? The grass is always greener on the other police-taped side."   
  
"This isn't a joke, Xander. Whatever did this is in there. With Riley." Buffy sighed, quickly jumping over the gate and looking back at her friend.   
  
"And soon to be with us," Xander added, climbing clumsily over the gate to join Buffy.   
  
"Weapons ready," Buffy said, sliding her stake out from behind her shirt. Xander did the same and, a moment later, they started to make their way into one of Texas' biggest crime scenes.   
  
++++   
  
They walked for a half hour before either of them heard anything- before their general unease turned into a very pointed concern.   
  
"Shh," Buffy said, holding her hand up to shush Xander who, for once, had actually been quiet. "Did you hear that?"   
  
She turned around, firmly gripping her stake and raising it to hear level. She held her breath in, wanting to be able to hear nothing but the sound she had just heard and attributed to neither Xander nor herself.   
  
Xander could feel his heart beating in his throat and, although he hadn't heard the sound that Buffy had, he trusted her instincts and could feel a fight was coming.   
  
Before the thought could have a moment to settle, a demon, unlike any Xander had ever seen, jumped out at them. Xander took an involuntary step back, his own survival instincts taking over.   
  
"Xander, get back!" Buffy commanded, stepping forward to deliver a high punch to the demon's head. She pulled her hand back quickly as the blow hurt her more than the demon. She winced, clutching her hand to her chest.   
  
She took a deep breath, her eyes roaming over the demon's body, grimly noticing that his whole body seemed to be covered by the same protective shell her fist had just nearly been broken by. She frowned again as she noticed the demon didn't seem bothered in the least by their presence, or their attack.   
  
"So you're not afraid, huh?" Buffy said, smiling as she noticed something. "Well, neither am I."   
  
Before the demon could react, Buffy dropped to the ground, rolling her body quickly under the demon and swiftly staking it on the one spot its body wasn't covered- its groin.   
  
The demon fell to the ground and, after a few jerks, died.   
  
Buffy got to her feet, grinning. "Guy, demon...it works like a charm every time." She turned back to Xander, who looked something like a deer in headlights. "Xander?"   
  
"Uh," he began, shaking himself. "Buff- you gotta warn a guy when you're gonna do that. Haven't you ever heard of sympathy pain?"   
  
"Sympathy for a demon?" Buffy asked, confused. "Oh," she said, turning back to remove her stake from between the demon's legs. "Sorry. But you know- really makes you appreciate jock straps, right?"   
  
Xander gulped. "I feel the words 'uh' and 'huh' can now be considered the understatements of the year."   
  
"Sorry," Buffy said again, unable to stifle a small giggle.   
  
"It's not funny," Xander said defensively. After another moment, he couldn't help but laugh himself. "Good job tho."   
  
"Well," Buffy said, shrugging. "I had a lot of slay-build-up. It's been almost a week since Glory. I was dying for a good fight."   
  
"You won't find another one here," a familiar voice said. Buffy and Xander both whipped around.   
  
"That was the last one," Graham went on. "Been tracking him for over 10 hours."   
  
"Well, you're welcome," Xander said, smiling. "Good to see you, Graham."   
  
Buffy wasn't as fond of pleasantries as Xander. "Where's Riley?" she quickly asked.   
  
Graham frowned.   
  
To Be Continued....   



	9. Part 9

TITLE 

TITLE: Finding Me (9/10)   
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker   
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com   
RATING: PG-13   
SUMMARY: Buffy, on a tip from The Host, goes on a quest with Xander to find   
Riley.   
SPOILERS: General Season 5, except in this 'verse, Buffy defeats Glory and   
doesn't die.   
FEEDBACK: I do the Dance of Joy upon receipt of feedback.   
DISTRIBUTION: At my site, http://www.ourowndestiny.com and all the usual   
suspects. If you want it, just ask.   
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.   
DEDICATION: To Moe and Nynaeve. Thank you two so much.   
  
  
  
Buffy looked at Graham, waiting for his answer and unsure of whether or not   
she should fear it when it came. He frowned when she had asked where Riley   
was, and that couldn't be a good sign. After the dream Buffy had the other   
night, she was feeling nervous as the seconds passed by that Graham didn't   
answer.   
  
"Riley?" she asked again. "Where is he?"   
  
"Let me take you to him," Graham said finally. "How did you guys know we were   
here?"   
  
"Green demon," Xander answered, starting to follow as they walked further   
into the canyon.   
  
"Excuse me?" Graham asked, confused.   
  
"Oh, it's a long story," Buffy said, looking around as they walked. "So how   
is he? I mean, is he good?" Buffy fidgeted nervously; fully aware of how   
badly her hands were shaking as she did so. She knew part of it to be from   
that high that came after a kill, but she also knew that a large part was due   
to the fact that something she had both dreaded and hoped for during the last   
few months was about to come to fruition.   
  
"He's not so good," Graham said, his eyes taking in their surroundings as   
they walked back to base camp. That was the last of the demons, as far as any   
of them knew. Unfortunately, they didn't always know everything.   
  
"He, uh," Graham said, turning a corner. "He died."   
  
Buffy stopped in her tracks, the breath caught in her throat. She didn't   
move, mostly due to the fact that she didn't think she could. She felt   
paralyzed as everything hit her at once. "W-what?" she managed to say, her   
voice shaking.   
  
Graham stopped, turning back. "We brought him back. He was only dead for a   
few minutes."   
  
Suddenly, the air returned to her lungs, the ability to move returned to her   
body. She stepped up to Graham, delivering a high, swift punch to his face.   
  
"What the hell?!" Graham said, recoiling back and looking at her with   
apprehension. "What the hell was that?"   
  
"You don't do dramatic pause after something like that," she said, her heart   
racing inside her chest. "In fact, you don't start a sentence with something   
like that. 'Riley's fine. He died, but we brought him back' would be a good   
way to go. Not 'Riley's dead' followed by a ten second pause during which my   
heart breaks."   
  
"Sorry," Graham said, "In my defense, I did use past tense."   
  
"I think she was a little too busy to deconstruct your grammar," Xander said,   
standing beside Buffy.   
  
"Yeah," Graham admitted. "He'll be alright tho. Suffered some serious damage   
and some major blood loss. But I guess with things back home- his body was   
accustomed to subsisting on a low blood count."   
  
Buffy looked down, remembering the sight of Riley with *her* - that vampire.   
It was an image that haunted her and one that she unfortunately didn't go a   
day without seeing in her head. "Oh," she said, still not looking up.   
  
Xander watched Buffy, aware of how uncomfortable the topic was to his friend.   
"So, Graham. Think we can sneak the little lady in to see him?"   
  
"I think so," Graham said, turning another corner and suddenly revealing what   
Buffy assumed to be base camp. "Most of our men have cleared out now that the   
threat seems to be gone. It's just me and the people in the infirmary right   
now."   
  
"But he's going to be OK?" Buffy asked, aware that he had already answered   
the question but wanting so badly to hear him say it again. "I had a dream.   
He was-"   
  
"He's fine," Graham assured her. "Enjoying being waited on hand and foot,   
actually."   
  
"Well yeah," Xander agreed. "That's almost worth dying for."   
  
"Not with the service around here, it's not," Graham said, walking between   
two tents and pausing in front of the one marked 'Infirmary'. "You ready?" he   
asked, looking back at Buffy.   
  
Buffy took a deep breath, those two words sending shivers up her spine. Was   
she ready? She wasn't sure herself. She had come so far, and there was no   
turning back now- not that she wanted to. What she wanted more than anything   
was to be right with Riley again. "Yeah," she said, swallowing hard and   
looking back at Xander and Graham. "I think I finally am."   
  
Xander reached out, grabbing Buffy's hand and squeezing it tight. "You are,"   
he said, quickly letting go and following Graham's lead as he walked into the   
tent.   
  
+++   
  
Riley sighed, throwing his magazine onto the table that sat beside his bed.   
Sitting in the infirmary was making him restless, and he hated thinking that   
the thing that put him in here could possibly be putting someone else in   
right about now- like Graham.   
  
He sighed, feeling like a fool for how things had gone down the other night.   
He had been careless, and he had nearly gotten himself killed. Or, as Graham   
tells it, he *had* gotten himself killed, and the paramedics unit had brought   
him back.   
  
He closed his eyes, but the sound of movement by the door caused them to fly   
open. He breathed a sigh of relief as he watched Graham walk in, but all   
breath left him as he saw who was behind him.   
  
"Xander," he said, sitting up in bed and feeling his hands begin to shake. If   
Xander was here, surely something had happened to Buffy. She could be hurt,   
or dead or-   
  
Riley blinked. She was none of those things, but instead- right behind   
Xander. Looking more beautiful than ever, Riley noticed. He wasn't sure such   
a thing was possible, but there was a softness to her features that hadn't   
been there before.   
  
They stared at each other for a minute, their eyes locked and neither saying   
a word. Graham and Xander looked at them, both a bit uncomfortable to be   
there when so much was happening without anything being said.   
  
Riley looked away finally, turning his gaze to Graham. "Demon?" he asked,   
remembering where Graham had been.   
  
"Gone," Graham answered. "Canyon's all clear."   
  
"Good," Riley said, nodding. He turned back to Buffy, who still stared back   
at him. He opened his mouth to say something, tho he was unsure what words   
would come out.   
  
The sound of Buffy's sob filled the room, and Riley closed his mouth as he   
watched the slayer break down in front of him.   
  
Buffy brought her hand to her mouth, covering it as quickly as she could, but   
unable to keep in the sounds of a broken heart she had kept silent for so   
long. Seeing Riley in front of her- hurt, looking at her for some answer she   
wasn't sure she had- it was all too much, and the tears flowed freely.   
  
"Ok," Xander said, looking nervously from Buffy, to Riley and back to Graham.   
"I think that Graham and I should go catch up on old times, and you two can,   
um, talk things out." He patted Graham on the arm. "Sound good to you?"   
  
"Yeah," Graham said, nodding. "I'll be back later." He turned, heading for   
the door, but stopped for a moment, fishing something from his pocket.   
  
He stepped back, handing it to Buffy. "Here," he said, handing her his   
handkerchief. "Don't be too hard on yourself."   
  
Buffy took it, gripping it within her palm. "It's a little too late for   
that," she said, sighing. "Thank you."   
  
Graham nodded, walking past her again to meet Xander at the door. "Some   
scene, huh?" he said as they closed the door.   
  
"Yeah," Xander said. "I kinda had a feeling that was coming. She thinks she   
has to be so strong, you know?"   
  
"Yeah," Graham agreed. "Riley too. I think he thinks- we all know he's been   
through a lot of shit, so he's gotta go out there and kill twice as many   
demons."   
  
"A loose cannon, right?" Graham nodded. "Buffy's like that too," Xander said,   
sighing as they walked around the tent. "You see her get all gung-ho with the   
slaying, you know something's up."   
  
"Sounds like Riley," Graham said, sitting down at a table. "Too bad they   
couldn't make it work without having to go through all that they did."   
  
"I don't know," Xander said, sitting down across from him. "I think it was a   
good thing." Off of Graham's look, Xander continued. "I mean, not the whole   
vampire thing, or the near-death experience stuff, but," he said, shrugging,   
"I think this whole thing has made Buffy face up to a lot of things she   
needed to. And I think she's a better person for it now."   
  
"I hope so," Graham said, looking back at the infirmary. "I think they'll   
both need to be to make things work this time."   
  
+++   
  
"Buffy," Riley said, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and wincing   
at the pain that filled his chest as he did so. "Please stop crying."   
  
Buffy took Graham's handkerchief and wiped the tears away. She took a deep   
breath; ashamed of the state she was in. Of the many ways she had imagined   
seeing Riley again, her in tears was not one of them. She was supposed to be   
strong- not this sobbing mess. "I'm sorry," she said, stepping closer to   
him. "It's just- seeing you after so long..."   
  
Riley nodded. "I know." He stared at her for another moment, taken in by this   
new softness she displayed. "You look beautiful. I mean, you always did,   
but-"   
  
"You don't have to say that," Buffy said, stepping even closer. "I must look   
like a mess. Xander and I have been driving pretty much non-stop for a week   
now. I think it's been a good two days since I've showered," she said,   
tucking her hair nervously behind her ear and chiding herself for looking so   
horrible.   
  
"You look fine to me," Riley said softly. "But again- you always did. You   
drove all this way to me?"   
  
"Yeah," Buffy said, nodding. She took a chair and pulled it in front of Riley   
and sat down. "It's a long story. But I was told to find you here, and that   
you needed me."   
  
"Ah," Riley said, nodding. He looked down, his hand pressing against the   
bandage that covered his abdomen. Just the light pressure caused him to   
wince again.   
  
"I guess I was too late," she said, staring at the spot where his hand   
tenderly covered his wound. "I should be used to that by now."   
  
"I needed a lot more than backup, Buffy," Riley said, looking up at her. "I   
don't want to bring up old stuff, but that was always the issue with us. I   
needed you for more than you knew."   
  
"I think we need to bring up old stuff, Riley," she said, meeting his gaze.   
"I don't think we can go on without doing that."   
  
"We're going on?" Riley asked, his eyebrows raised.   
  
"You don't want to?"   
  
"Buffy," Riley said, sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair. "It's   
not that easy. It might have been that easy back in December, but it's not   
now. Maybe if we had tried to work things out- but you didn't come for me,   
Buffy."   
  
"I did," Buffy said, her voice desperate. "I saw you leave. I watched the   
helicopter go."   
  
Riley looked at Buffy, unbelieving. "You came?"   
  
Buffy nodded, her eyes starting to tear again as she remembered that night.   
She wrapped her arms around herself. "I wasn't going to. I didn't think it   
was fair," she said, sighing. "But I had a little divine intervention."   
  
"God?" Riley asked, more confused than ever.   
  
"Xander," Buffy said, smiling a bit. "He said a lot of things that I think I   
really needed to hear. A lot of things," she said again. "And I knew he was   
right. So I ran to you."   
  
Buffy looked down. "I never ran so hard in my life. I couldn't lose you.   
Every step I took- I put everything I had into them." She got up, moving   
behind the chair and turning to face the wall. "But it wasn't enough." She   
lowered her head, turning back to him. "*I* wasn't enough, Riley."   
  
"Buffy-" he said, but she cut him off.   
  
"Let me finish," she said, sighing as she began to pace. "I got there, and I   
saw the helicopter lifting off. I saw you inside it, and I screamed for you.   
I called out your name, but you didn't hear me." She looked back to him. "You   
didn't right? Because I just thought- maybe you did, and you left anyway. I   
mean, not that I would blame you but-"   
  
"I didn't hear you," Riley interrupted. "The blades- they're too loud. You   
can hardly hear the guy next to you."   
  
"OK," Buffy said, breathing a sigh of relief. "I just thought-"   
  
"I would never do that, Buffy," Riley said, leaning back against the bed   
frame. "I wanted you to come so much."   
  
"I know," Buffy said, nodding. "I'm so sorry I wasn't in time. I'm so sorry I   
didn't give us the chance to fix things when they needed to be."   
  
Riley shook his head, unbelieving. For months, he had thought that Buffy   
didn't care. He imagined her angrily working out in the back room of the   
Magic Box as his helicopter lifted off and flew away. He never would have   
imagined she was right beneath it.   
  
"Buffy," he began, mulling his words over before he spoke them. "Why are you   
here? Really?"   
  
"I want us to give it another try," she said, sitting back down and folding   
her hands in her lap. "The guy who told me where to find you-" Buffy stopped,   
smiling. "Actually, he was a demon."   
  
"A demon?"   
  
"A green demon with horns who runs a karaoke bar in LA, actually." Buffy   
laughed.   
  
"You're pulling my leg now," Riley said, cracking a smile. "So this demon   
told you where to find me?"   
  
"In a really roundabout way," she said, nodding. "He told me that we were   
meant to be together, and that you needed me, and that I needed to find you.   
So I did." She exhaled, looking up at him.   
  
"I went on this quest with Xander to find you," she began again. "But I   
think-" She looked down, nervously picking at her cuticles before she went   
on. "I think what I really found was myself."   
  
Buffy got up again, beginning her pace once more. "I wasn't the best person   
when we were together, Riley. I treated you so unfairly, and I didn't see it   
until you were gone. From the moment I watched that helicopter fly away- I   
started to change. At first, I closed down- even more than when we were   
together. I thought- enough. Give Buffy's heart a break. I'll just hide it   
away because if people can't see it- they can't hurt it." She sighed. "They   
can't break it."   
  
"Buffy-"   
  
"I'm not blaming you, Riley. You didn't break my heart. I did. I was the one   
who did everything wrong."   
  
"I can't say I was blameless, Buffy. I went to those vampires," Riley said,   
looking up at her.   
  
"You went because you thought I didn't need you."   
  
"Did you?" Riley asked, watching her face for an answer, and finding one   
before she even spoke another word.   
  
"Of course," Buffy said, stopping. "God. Of course I did. I just- I couldn't   
show you. Riley, being a slayer- it's like I'm trained to be strong. Not just   
outside, but inside as well. If I broke down- if I showed someone how weak I   
really was..." She sighed. "I felt ashamed. Ashamed of the side of me that   
was as weak as anyone else."   
  
"But you shouldn't be, Buffy. I didn't fall in love with the slayer. I fell   
in love with the girl."   
  
"I know," she said, nodding. "I know that now. But I just couldn't let anyone   
see that side of me. Especially you."   
  
"Why me especially?"   
  
Buffy smiled. "Because you're the one I loved the most."   
  
Riley's eyes grew wide as the words he had wanted so badly to be spoken   
finally were. "Oh," was all he managed to say. He looked down, a smile   
spreading across his features.   
  
At the sight, Buffy sat back down and reached for his hands. "I love you,   
Riley. I always did. And I want the chance to not just tell you, but to show   
you too." She smiled as he looked up at her. "Come back with me."   
  
If Riley could have stood up without reopening all of his stitches, he would   
have. This was definitely a pace around the room moment for him. He looked   
over at her, at her hopeful eyes staring back and sighed. "I can't, Buffy.   
I'm sorry."   
  
Buffy frowned, feeling the tears start to brim again. "Riley-"   
  
"Buffy," Riley said, gripping her hands tight. "It's not that I don't love   
you. God knows, I always will. I never was able to help myself much when it   
came to that. It's just-" Riley looked down, sighing. "This is a big thing   
you're asking for."   
  
"I know," Buffy said, her voice meek.   
  
"It's a big thing," Riley said again. "I'd be changing my whole life. Again.   
And I just don't know- I don't know if I can take that chance again because a   
part of me feels like if we go back..." Riley frowned. "If we go back- I'm   
not sure the same thing wouldn't happen all over again."   
  
"It wouldn't," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I promise you Riley. I wouldn't   
let it."   
  
"I don't know," Riley said, shaking his head. "Buffy, you came to me that   
night because Xander told you to. You came to me now because some demon told   
you to. I need to know you're capable of making things right all on your own.   
I need something more than just promises, Buffy. I need something concrete."   
  
Buffy nodded, realizing he was right. Every decision she was using as an   
example of how she had changed was one she had come to with the help of   
someone else. She took a deep breath, looking into his eyes. "Ok," she said,   
relenting. "You're right. You need something concrete." She stopped, smiling   
at him, but unable to hide the nervousness it covered.   
  
"Marry me."   
  
To Be Continued.... 


	10. Part 10

**TITLE:** Finding Me (10/10)   
**AUTHOR:** Rebecca Parker   
**EMAIL:** NumfarGal@aol.com   
**RATING:** PG   
**SUMMARY:** Buffy, on a tip from The Host, goes on a quest with Xander to find Riley.   
**FEEDBACK:** I do the dance of joy upon receipt of feedback.   
**DISCLAIMER:** Joss owns all. I own just my immense respect for the man.   
**DEDICATION:** To any and all who gave me feedback on this series. You have no idea how much it means to me. Truly.   
**NOTE:** The title is from a Vertical Horizon song.   
  
Riley stared up at Buffy, not believing. She didn't just ask him that, he thought. It was an impossibility. Maybe if the stars aligned this way, and the planets another... No, he decided. He definitely hadn't heard her ask that.   
  
"I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head. "What did you say? Cause it sounded like you asked me to-"   
  
"Marry me," she said again, her eyes imploring. "Riley, you heard me."   
  
Riley's eyes grew wide. "Buffy," he said, mulling his words over carefully. "You don't mean that."   
  
"I don't?" Buffy asked, her heart beating fast inside her chest. "I usually say what I mean, Riley. You know that. And you know, the more I say it, the more I like the sound of it. Marry me, Riley." She smiled, taking his hand. "Marry me."   
  
"You're insane," he said, laughing.   
  
"Certifiable," she admitted. "But I'm serious."   
  
"You don't have to do this, Buffy," Riley said. "When I said I needed something concrete- I didn't mean...I didn't mean *that*"   
  
Buffy nodded, looking down at their hands. She let go of his, standing up again. The proposal had seemingly come out of nowhere. She hadn't planned it, or even considered it before this moment. She thought back on what Xander had told her in the car- that when she got here- to this place, to this moment- she would know what to say. But she didn't know. Her heart had spoken for her.   
  
"Riley," she said, moving to sit on the side of the bed and crossing her legs. "A lot has happened since you left," she said, looking down at her hands. "My mom," she said, and the words seemed almost caught in her throat. "My mom died," she finished, raising her head to look up at him.   
  
"Buffy," he said, her words shocking him. He had known that Joyce was sick, but when he left- everything had been alright. She was out of the woods, or so they had said. "God, I'm so sorry. I should have been there for you," he said, reaching for her hand.   
  
She shrugged it away. "Riley, that's not what I'm saying," she said, sighing. She looked up at the ceiling, as if the answer to all of life's puzzles were written there. She was silent for another minute; spending that time trying to control the tears that threatened to resurface. She looked down at him again; searching his eyes and finding the comfort she had always taken from him without him knowing.   
  
"The thing is," she began again, "I've been the slayer since I was 15. Every night, I patrol. I fight, and I win. I was so used to that. If there was an evil to be fought, I'd go out there and kick its ass. I never thought-" She looked down, sighing again. "I never thought there would be something that I couldn't fight.  
  
"I came home," she said, still looking down. "I came home and I found her. She was just lying on the couch- so still. I- I tried to help. I called the ambulance, and I tried CPR, but nothing worked. I couldn't do anything to help her," she said, and, at the thought, the tears finally came.   
  
Riley reached over, lifting her chin and wiping her tears away with his thumb. He didn't say anything; he knew there was nothing he could say to make things better. He knew what Buffy meant because he felt the same thing at that moment- helpless. It wasn't a good thing to feel.   
  
"The thing is," she said, smiling weakly at him. "I was scared. I was so scared that I couldn't control anything ever again. I couldn't stop you from leaving, and I couldn't bring my mom back. And I wanted both so much," she said, sighing. "So much."   
  
"I'm sorry," Riley said, taking her hand and squeezing it. "I never knew that you cared so much for me, Buffy. I thought-" He sighed, shaking his head. "I just didn't know."   
  
"I know," she said, nodding. "I wish that I could have made you feel it."   
  
Riley sighed, leaning in and placing a soft kiss on Buffy's forehead. "I do now," he said, resting his own forehead against hers for a moment. "I'll come back with you, Buffy. That's all you had to say."   
  
At Riley's touch, everything seemed to fade away and she was back in that place she had missed so very badly. But his words brought her back to reality, and she shook her head, pulling back from him. "Riley, no," she said. "That's not- that's not why I told you that."   
  
Riley looked at Buffy, confused. "Wow, it feels like old times," he said, grinning slyly. "Forever a mystery to me, Buffy Summers."   
  
Buffy couldn't help but smile at his words, her shoulders shaking as she allowed herself to laugh. "Riley," she said, collecting herself. "The reason that I told you all that is this- My mom dying taught me something. Not something original, granted- but it taught me something that I needed to realize."   
  
"What's that?" "Life is short," she said, taking a deep breath. "And mine- even shorter. I have this gig, and I've been out there every night since I was 15 putting my life on the line and I don't know when I go out there- I don't know if I'll ever come back."   
  
"Buffy, don't talk like that," Riley said, shifting uncomfortably. "Riley, I have to," she said, and her lack of emotion put Riley off for a moment. "It's a part of who I am. I can't deny it, or ignore it because it's not pleasant. My life is short. And I can't waste the time I have on being an idiot."   
  
Riley grinned. "You're not an idiot."   
  
"I let you go," Buffy said, shrugging. "I'm a simpering moron." She smiled. "So when I ask you to marry me," Buffy said, smiling, "I mean it. I want it all, Riley Finn- and I think you're just the guy to give it to me."   
  
Riley smiled, and he raised his hand to the side of Buffy's face, caressing it softly.   
  
"So if you're going to agree to come home with me, do it because I love you. Do it because I want you," she said, raising her hand to rest against his. "Do it because I *need* you."   
  
Riley took a deep breath, feeling everything that had been missing inside him for the last seven months finally return. Buffy was within his grasp, and he was never going to let her go again. "I love you, Buffy," he said, leaning in to softly press his lips against hers, feeling drunk at the very touch. "I'll come home with you."   
  
Buffy relaxed into his kiss, her hand moving to rest against his shoulder as she pulled him to her tenderly.   
  
"Careful," Riley said, wincing a bit. "Still the human shishkebob."   
  
"Sorry," she said, grinning sheepishly. "I just can't help myself." She brushed the hairs back from his forehead and smile. "So," she said, her voice shaking. "What about the other part?"   
  
"The other part?" Riley asked, confused.   
  
"The marriage proposal," Buffy whispered, smiling. "Don't tell me you forgot already. Or are you waiting for me to get down on one knee?"   
  
"You're really serious?" he asked. "You want to be Mrs. Buffy Finn?"   
  
"Hey, it's a feminist's world. I think you should be Mr. Riley Summers," she said, giggling. "And yes, I am serious. Marry me."   
  
Riley laughed, pulling her in for another kiss. "I never was able to say no to such a pretty lady," he said, moving his lips to her forehead. "Of course. Just promise me one thing," he said, looking at her seriously.   
  
"Anything," she said, tracing her finger along his jawline.   
  
"Just promise me to never hide yourself, or your pain from me again," Riley said, his eyes staring into hers. "I've always loved every part of you, Buffy. Nothing's going to change that."   
  
"I promise you," Buffy said, sighing. "If my back hurts, I'll tell you. If the latest Kodak commercial makes me cry, you'll be the first to know." She smiled. "We'll make this work. I swear to you."  
  
"That's all I ask," he said, leaning in to kiss her again. "Now I have a request," Buffy said, her voice soft as their faces were only inches away.   
  
"Yes?" he asked, unable to stop himself from kissing her again.   
  
She broke away from the kiss reluctantly and looked to him. "Can we just lie here? Together?"   
  
Riley sighed, pulling her close to him, any pain from his wound overshadowed by how good it felt to hold her again. "Of course," he said, laying down on the bed and pulling her close to him.   
  
She rested her head on his chest and draped her arm carefully across his torso. "I missed this," she said after a moment, her voice so quiet.   
  
He smiled, kissing the top of her head and closing his eyes. "I missed you."  
  
+++   
  
"So," Graham said, looking back at the infirmary. "Think things are going well in there?"   
  
Xander smiled, following Graham's gaze. "If I know my Buffy, I'd say so," he said. "In fact, I bet we have some time. Feel like a ham and cheese sandwich? I think I have an extra in the car."   
  
"Ham and cheese? Sitting out in the Texas sun all day?" Graham asked, his eyebrow raised. "I'll pass."   
  
"Yeah," Xander said, nodding. "Maybe we can just sit here. I'm sure they won't be long."  
  
They both stared at the tent for another minute, nothing happening or moving.   
  
"So," Xander said, looking back to Graham. "Got a board game?"   
  
THE END   
  


  


  
  
  



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